Pearl

LATEST ARTICLES ( 713 )

• Sometimes I Sits and Thinks, and Sometimes I Just Sits

  A re-post from the winter of 2011. Very little has changed since then... So I’ve been listening in on the bus again. It’s an art. Don’t let the iPod fool you. Read more

  Posted on 29 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Never-Ending Whirr

  Apparently there are video games and movies in cars now. To some of you, I’m sure, this is not news and ranks up there with “frozen TV dinners” and this... Read more

  Posted on 28 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Sometimes We Look Down to Look Up

  On an introspective note, I’ve spent some time this week looking down. Perhaps it's the wan, pale light of winter, but the urge to crawl into my head and stay... Read more

  Posted on 27 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I'll Be Over Here, Eating Over a Sink

  We need to do something about lunch, people. I sat in the Skyroom on the top floor of Macy’s the other day in a rare out-for-lunch moment with friends. We sat... Read more

  Posted on 23 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• That Reminds Me: Pick Up Chicken Wings for Dinner

  Wait long enough, and there she is. You see that? Twelve o’clock, as my dad likes to say, right there in front of you. It’s 28 degrees outside – four degrees... Read more

  Posted on 22 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Happy Birthday, Mary; Or When You're Rich Beyond Dollar Signs

  

  “I just want you to know,” she says, “that you are free to write about us as you see fit. I mean, I know what we look like to some people, and I don’t want you... Read more

  Posted on 21 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• You Didn't Ask for My Advice, But Here It Is

  I’ve got an uncle who warns me to never fall asleep on the concrete in the cold.“The sidewalk’s a killer,” he warns. “Did you know that bums die every year... Read more

  Posted on 20 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Rolls of Fat and Other Surprises

  I was sitting at my desk the other day, casually taking inventory of my faults (inclined to eat large amounts of chocolate in one sitting without regard to... Read more

  Posted on 15 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I've Heard I Can Pass for Canadian

  Can we just come clean here and talk about “Fargo”? “Fargo” is a movie put out by Minnesota’s favorite son, Joel Coen. Have you seen this movie? Read more

  Posted on 14 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Name is Familiar...

  I miss the good ol’ days, the ones where old boyfriends disappeared – not in the gravel pit, wrapped in a sleeping bag and held down with chains like the... Read more

  Posted on 13 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Where Did You Say We Were?

  I’m willing to bet that many of the places in the world are named after what happened there. Take, for example, “Burnt Land Creek”. I’m thinking that at one tim... Read more

  Posted on 12 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Omega Pearl; Or Run for the Hills, We're All Gonna Die

  Any time the world is quiet, residential streets empty of cars and pedestrians, my mind goes directly to the End of the World, a game I played as a child.... Read more

  Posted on 09 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Another Moment with Pearl and Mary: The Litter Talk

  There was a bit of carrot in the bathroom sink at work. Carrot. I call Mary. “Hmm?” Things were so much more formal before our numbers were identifiable. “It’s... Read more

  Posted on 08 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Small Indignities; Or I Could Just Step Outside with It, I Suppose

  There are many reasons for my continued employment at Acme Grommets and Gravel, very few of which have anything to do with financial security. Firstly, there’s... Read more

  Posted on 07 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• So Kiss Me, and Wait for Me; Or Silly Hipsters

  The wind howls outside. It is nine degrees below zero. Inside, the hipster two stools over has made a discovery. “Oh, my God,” he says to his heavily... Read more

  Posted on 06 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• You Should See The Cake They Give You When You Reach This Age

  It started innocently enough. Several weeks into December, and after an unsatisfying encounter of the politicl Facebook kind, one in which a man in his early 20... Read more

  Posted on 05 January 2015 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Pearl Needs to Change Her Password; Or What Mary's Planning on Wearing to the...

  Shhh. While the cat’s away, the mice, so to speak, will play. You really shouldn’t leave your laptop unattended, Pearl. Hello! It’s Mary. Read more

  Posted on 24 December 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• That Time I Ditched The Car

  A number of years ago, back when I was invincible, I felt it important that I drive from one tiny town to another during a blizzard. Why would I do such a thing? Read more

  Posted on 04 December 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• We'll Let This One Slide, As You're Clearly Wet Behind the Ears

  We’ve gotten away, I think, from the many, many amusements that are provided to us, free of charge, amusements too often not seen as the social faux pas and... Read more

  Posted on 03 December 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Part V and Finale: To Err is Human, to Forgive, Feline

  I push my fork into an asparagus spear and turn my somewhat blurry attention to Liza Bean. Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, co-owner of the last two... Read more

  Posted on 02 December 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION