Pearl

LATEST ARTICLES ( 713 )

• I Had the Eulogy Half-Way Written

  I’ve been watching the tank for a good 20 minutes.And Cuddy hasn’t moved.Cuddy, AKA The Pleco, AKA The Itty Bitty Fitty, AKA Sixth in Line for the Presidency... Read more

  Posted on 19 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• So You’re NOT Going to Naked Yoga?

  Willie has taken up yoga.For someone who has not been to a class before, the man is surprisingly flexible.And after years of practice, I find this natural... Read more

  Posted on 18 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• No One Should Have Mustard on Their Desk; Or Requiem for A Lunchroom

  I ate at my desk today.And I ate at my desk yesterday.And heaven help me, I’ll be eating lunch at my desk tomorrow. I can hear you now. ‘Why? Read more

  Posted on 17 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I've Never Fully Trusted My Feet, Now That I Think About It

  My hair predicted – correctly – that the weather this morning would be damp and cold with a good chance of frizz and has since then assumed all the texture and... Read more

  Posted on 16 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Cat for Hire; Or Did You See The New Guy in Accounting Brought a Disemboweled...

  It's a tough economy out there, and nobody knows this more than Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).In case you’ve forgotten, Liza Bean Bitey (of the... Read more

  Posted on 15 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• 3:30 Sunday Afternoon, Or The Cat Takes My Money the Old Fashioned Way

  Mid-afternoon. A pile of clean laundry looms before me. Maybe if I stare at it for a long time –“What’th goin’ on?”Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane... Read more

  Posted on 14 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Mom Said They Couldn't Take Him Back

  VieYou got time for a quick story?Ahem.My last official purchase whilst still living at my parents’ house – and the mode by which I left it – was a 1968 Ford... Read more

  Posted on 13 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Local Woman Tells Off Teen, Has Nervous Walk Back to Office

  Despite the cocksure-ed-ness of my writing style, I, in true Minnesota fashion, do not care for confrontation.This is not to say that I don’t have ideas about... Read more

  Posted on 12 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• You’re Gonna Wanna Get That Ironed

  It’s a little late this year, but fervent, almost ardent preparations are underway for this year’s Naked America!, Minneapolis’s yearly, giddy welcome of spring. Read more

  Posted on 11 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I’m Thinking of Changing My Name to Gollum

  Meanwhile, on the 48th floor, life has changed for Little Miss I’ve-Got-A-Desk-by-a-Window.With the purchase of our company by a much larger company, there has... Read more

  Posted on 10 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• And Then Came the Hard Times

  I awaken to find Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, seated at the kitchen table.A cup of coffee to her right, an ashtray in the shap... Read more

  Posted on 09 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Hey! That New Shirt Really Makes You Look Productive!

  I’m wearing a new shirt today.What’s that, you say? Why yes, I find that to be true as well! New clothes do make life worth living! Read more

  Posted on 08 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• ... and I Awoke, Dazed, in a Pool of My Own Sweat

  A re-post, after a day and night of wanton self-indulgence, leaving no time for writing. Enjoy!By the time I reached home, the TV had worked itself into a... Read more

  Posted on 07 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Next Thing You Know, There's a Guy with a Hook for a Hand at the Front Door...

  I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in my sleep patterns, and I think you should know about it.Here it is: Every night, I wake up at 3:06. Every single night.Of... Read more

  Posted on 06 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Talking Loud and Saying Nothing

  There's a woman at the end of the bar who can't believe the way we coddle people these days.Car seats for children. Food stamps. Half-way houses! All of these... Read more

  Posted on 05 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• We Later Saw Her Running the Tilt-A-Whirl

  My father stressed the need for mental alertness.“Patti, you gotta be alert," he'd say. "The world needs more lerts.”My father, the man who rarely remembered ou... Read more

  Posted on 04 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Have You Tried Breathing Through Your Mouth?

  Good day, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Construction in the Workplace! It’s me again, Dirk Hardly, VP of HR, here to talk to you about construction,... Read more

  Posted on 03 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Liza Bean Bitey and the Feline Brotherhood

  Liza Bean recently visited the vet.You remember Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), don’t you? Liza is the tiny-pawed, symmetrically striped and... Read more

  Posted on 01 April 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Ma'am, Do You Have a Permit to Carry That on a City Bus?

  A re-worked re-post from last April...Sometimes, on the bus, you want to look anywhere but, oh, ahead, up, or over there. The antics of human beings, even if... Read more

  Posted on 31 March 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• But She Had a Letter from a Church; Or Who Do I Make the Check Out To?

  We were sitting in the backyard, Willie, Jon, Mary and I.And we were pretty happy.Happy laughing, happy talking, happy drunk. And why not? It was summer, after... Read more

  Posted on 30 March 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION