Pearl

LATEST ARTICLES ( 713 )

• Part Four: The Kick-Off of the Guided by Friskies Five-State Tour

  Part four of four. Haven't read parts one, two, or three? Go ahead! I'm going to get some coffee, and I'll meet up with you here...I take a deep draw from my gi... Read more

  Posted on 26 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• In the Midst of Life, We Are -- Oooh! Fish Flakes!

  

  Found pale and unresponsive at the bottom of the aquarium last Thursday, Eddie IV, plecostomus, friend, and avid sucker of all things stationary, has died.He wa... Read more

  Posted on 25 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Critics Rave: Paps, Pedis, and Pubs Changes Everything!

  

  Not to be indelicate, but the “yearly appointment” experience that many women dread could be improved upon.We’re not looking at it properly, people! Read more

  Posted on 24 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Part Three: When You Go to the Bar with a Cat...

  Have you read Part One and Part Two? Tiny little things they are, roughly 300 words apiece. If you want to go there now, we can wait.I'll just stay here until... Read more

  Posted on 23 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Part Two: Wherein We Learn of Dolly’s Gig

  This is part two of a story that began yesterday. Go take a look. Go on! Under 300 words. You’ll be back in no time. We’ll wait here.I sigh. “What’s going on... Read more

  Posted on 22 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Liza Bean Reports; Or Cats Have A Lousy Sense of Timing

  Someone small is hissing in my ear.“Pearl. Psssst. I say. Pearl.”I frown in my sleep. One minute one is being handed the Nobel Peace Prize for number of garage... Read more

  Posted on 21 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Yo-de-lay-hey-hoo; Or I Wouldn’t Even Know Where to Shop for Such an Outfit

  

  I sit in the back of the bus, up two stairs and in view of the fish-eye-lens camera. Should anything untoward happen, it’s only right that it be documented. Read more

  Posted on 20 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Three Servers on a Bed of Arugula with an Exhausted but Amusing Dipping Sauce

  I managed to re-injure my wrists this weekend. Naturally, I was against this. Please enjoy a bit of work-related exhaustion from winter of 2011. I hope to be... Read more

  Posted on 19 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Squat, Bald Man in My Head

  has a louder, and sometimes opposite view of life than I do.He’s the one cackling with glee when the young XL woman in the M pants struggles to lift her own bod... Read more

  Posted on 18 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Monkey Would Like to Speak to You Privately

  I was at yoga the other day, rolling my forehead on the floor – as is my wont – when I had a bit of a revelation.The revelation?The guy next to me really and... Read more

  Posted on 17 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Just a Moment with Mary and Pearl

  Ring. Ring-ring.“Good afternoon, Global Octopus, a World Domination Enterprise. Pearl speaking.”“Pearl? I did a bad thing.”I brace myself. When Mary has done a... Read more

  Posted on 16 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I Need You to All Stop, for Just a Moment

  What’s with everything changing all the time? I need more stagnancy in my life, people! Roads are detoured, U.S. currency looks different from day to day, my... Read more

  Posted on 15 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I Will Pay You to Stop; Or Pearl Contemplates Buskercide

  I am standing at the bus stop. And I am listening to a sunburnt, disheveled woman with a voice like a brass gong explain to a sunburnt, disheveled man how “big... Read more

  Posted on 14 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Funny. I Don’t LOOK Like a Wet Blanket…

  “So what you’re gonna wanna do? Is you’re gonna wanna access the report? The report I sent you yesterday?”I shouldn’t be listening in, but I can’t help it. Read more

  Posted on 13 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Someone Here Smells Hard-Working

  “Smell my fingers.”“No.”“Come on! They smell like bleach. Smell ‘em. They’re gonna stink for three days.”I refuse to smell her fingers, although it’s not withou... Read more

  Posted on 12 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Sorry - You've Got Something In Your Hair

  One of the benefits of my hands and arms not being fully operational (what with the tendonitis and all) has been that the condition has left me plenty of room... Read more

  Posted on 11 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Metro State Wants Me Back! Or Have Your People Call My Peop – Uh – Cat

  Dolly “Gee” Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, pyramid-shaped feline and cross-eyed beggar of soft, chewy treats, lies flat on her back in... Read more

  Posted on 10 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• There Are Many Buses; Or How The Other Half Travel

  In an effort to expand my world experience and, more importantly, go somewhere, I have taken up getting onto buses other than the Faithful 17W.The Uptown bus... Read more

  Posted on 09 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• What’s Going Down in the Bathroom

  The office bathroom, a room where I once almost died, has been on my mind lately.Which means, of course, that I have been forced to do something. Read more

  Posted on 08 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• You Certainly See A Lot More of People in the Summer, Don't You?

  I was forced -- forced! -- to party with Norwegians last night. It was a brilliant evening with overtones of sun-tanned blonde-ness and Sarah's hospitality and... Read more

  Posted on 07 August 2013 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION