Pearl

LATEST ARTICLES ( 713 )

• Part Three and Finale: The Softer Side of Liza Bean

  Part One was Wednesday. Part Two was Thursday. Haven’t read them? You go ahead – I’m just going to go get a cup of coffee. We’ll meet back in five, okay? The ca... Read more

  Posted on 25 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Part Two: Beware Cats Bearing Alcoholic Beverages; Or Yeah, But Why Does the...

  Did you miss Part One? It was yesterday! Go on -- we'll wait here! The cat is waiting for me at the top of the stairs. After a long day at a new job, one in... Read more

  Posted on 24 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Part One: Awoken by a Cat; Or I Hope My Insurance Doesn't Hear About This

  I’m pretty sure I’ve closed my eyes for just a moment. “Pearl. Psssst.” Huh? What? I jerk awake. The cat is sitting on my chest. Read more

  Posted on 23 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• And to My Son, I Leave My Sense of Humor

  Originally posted in 2010. Enjoy! People say to me, Pearl? Where’d you get that sense of humor; and once you got it, what have you done to try to get rid of... Read more

  Posted on 22 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• No One Here Looks a Day Over 30

  As is required, Easter dinner is ham-centric, cheesy potatoes and dinner rolls orbiting the bone-in delight like little side dish satellites. And there is, of... Read more

  Posted on 21 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Crouching in the Dark

  I grew up in a trailer. We moved once a year, sometimes more than that, one dirt-road court after another. “It’s harder to hit a moving target!” Dad crowed. Read more

  Posted on 18 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Willie Suffers

  My husband’s calves are the size of a Sunday roast. He comes from a long line of large-legged people. His father is large legged, his brother is large legged,... Read more

  Posted on 17 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Someone Called and Asked for "Happy Pants". You Know Anything About That?

  “Hey, Stinky.” “What up, Stumpy?” I’ve called Mary early this morning – too early, apparently, for us to be concerned with calling each other by our real names. Read more

  Posted on 16 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• He's Still a Good Little Eater

  Dinner is at 5:00. He holds his fork up, a piece of chicken at the end of it. “What is this?” “Chicken.” “What’s it made of?” “Chicken.” Dylan, three, almost... Read more

  Posted on 15 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Am I Having a Nice Day? Yes. Yes, I Think I Am.

  When I was a child, there was a strip mall a couple blocks down with a dry cleaner’s at one end; and there wasn’t a day that Danny didn’t stand outside of it. Read more

  Posted on 14 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Showdown in the Women’s Bathroom

  A book I've had the pleasure of adding my story to, Moms are Nuts, has made the Hot Sellers list on Amazon! The story they accepted is "Let's Heat the Ear... Read more

  Posted on 11 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Come Sit by Me; Or Birds, Bees, and Exposed Knees

  I would be remiss, on this fine spring day, if I didn’t slide on over, as we like to say on the bus. Come sit by me. Spring! It’s 70 degrees here in Minneapolis... Read more

  Posted on 10 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• And That's One Point for Me

  While I’ve never been entirely comfortable with my athletic capacities outside of, say, running madly from scary thingsand the ability to square dance like a... Read more

  Posted on 09 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• The Cheese Was Unrepentant

  I’ve had surgery on my face. When I tell people that, they get excited, imagining, perhaps, a disfiguring car accident. In actuality, it isn’t anything to get... Read more

  Posted on 08 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Quick! Ask Me While I Still Know What's Going On.

  It might not be apparent in looking at me now, but I used to know exactly what was going on. Why, I remember being 18 years old and being absolutely convinced... Read more

  Posted on 07 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Wherein Pearl Harnesses Her Inner Parrot

  Ring. Ring-ring. Ring-ring. “Good morning, Acme Grommet and Gravel, a Worldwide Octopus Company, Pearl speaking.” “Good morning, Pearl. I’ve some questions... Read more

  Posted on 04 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Wherein I Mourn A Forgotten Leftover

  It’s not a big fridge. You wouldn’t, for example, walk into my kitchen and say, “Well, for cryin’ out loud, check out the fridge that Pearl’s got!” You could,... Read more

  Posted on 03 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Smell What I'm Cooking?

  My new job is taking all my time. Ridiculous! Don't these people know I need to WRITE? Please enjoy a post from the summer of 2013... Willie is known for his... Read more

  Posted on 02 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Gambling is Bad for You; Or Dolly Gee Squeakers Goes on a Budget

  Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, nervously grooms herself. As in every other year, the cat, an animal that often doubles as a spee... Read more

  Posted on 01 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

  I spent last night consoling the cat, who, once again, bet more than she could afford to lose on the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Her team, the Michigan... Read more

  Posted on 31 March 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION