Pearl

LATEST ARTICLES ( 713 )

• Nowadays You Just Can't Get a Good Wart for Under a Dollar

  I was 17 when I sold my wart. “I hate it. It sits right here on my ring finger.” We are sitting in his pickup in the Dairy Queen parking lot. I push my left han... Read more

  Posted on 27 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• You're Gonna Want to Work on Yer Spiel

  Originally posted in 2010, this is for my father, who, along with family and friends, celebrates his 75th birthday this weekend. Happy birthday, Dad. Read more

  Posted on 23 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Tales from Childhood; Or The Television Was Not Our Only Source of Amusement

  My parents, back in the late 70s and during the time of the Purple People Eaters (the Minnesota Viking’s defensive line) hosted a number of Super Bowl parties. Read more

  Posted on 22 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• That Was the Funnest Meeting EVER; Or If I Could Just Get You to Stop That for...

  There are three, physically, in the meeting. A fourth, a woman with a devastating head cold, attends by phone. I sit on the “visitor’s” side of the desk, a bit... Read more

  Posted on 21 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• By the Stain of My Thumb You Will Know Me

  There is a season between spring and summer, as is well known amongst us city types, and it is “graffiti”; so while you not know from one day to the next whethe... Read more

  Posted on 20 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Waitress? A Round of Shots and a Large Quantity of Cotton Batting, Please

  The man at the next table has something to say. And he’s been saying it loudly and in clear, decisive tones for a good 20 minutes now. Read more

  Posted on 19 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• You Sure You Can't Eat One More?

  Art-A-Whirl looms, my friends, Northeast Minneapolis's spring event luring artists of all artistic bents and abilities from the shadowy depths and into the... Read more

  Posted on 16 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Scoundrels on Little Rascals and the Women Who Chase Them

  

  Last summer, our neighbor across the alley had a very nice fence put up around his backyard, replacing an existing fence that was also very nice. Read more

  Posted on 15 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Sister Pearl Elephant; Or The Serenity Prayer Would Fit in Here Quite Nicely...

  When I was young, back when the Garden of Eden was in bloom and we were still counting how many turtles' shells the Earth was resting on, I actively considered... Read more

  Posted on 14 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Mary’s Making Plans for the Weekend

  Ring-ring. Ring-ring. “Good mor – good afternoon, Acme Grommets and Gravel, Pearl speaking.” “Yes, I would like to order several grommets; and I’m wondering if ... Read more

  Posted on 13 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• We'll Move South, But Not Too Far South

  The escalators just inside The City Center weren’t running Tuesday morning. I didn’t need them, of course, having been walking on my own since the tender age... Read more

  Posted on 12 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Wherein I Place a Phone Call

  I have to call someone I know will appreciate this. “Mary!” “Herrow,” she says. I am hurrying from work, heading toward the bus stop, heels clicking on the... Read more

  Posted on 09 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Ode to a Locked Document; Or Mama, Don’t Let Your Spreadsheets Grow Up to Be...

  I don’t know how it could’ve happened. After all, I am not one to misspell a passwrod. But there it is, as ugly a fact as I have ever come across: the password... Read more

  Posted on 08 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Next Thing You Know, There's a Man with A Hook for a Hand at the Front Door

  I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in my sleep patterns, and I think you should know about it. Here it is: Every night, I wake up at 3:06. Every single night. Of... Read more

  Posted on 07 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I Dreamt That I Was Dreaming

  Because it stuck in my head, dreaming this; and what is a blog if not an experimental site? I dreamt that I was dreaming. The waves pulled me out; and I was... Read more

  Posted on 06 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• And If Your Second Toe is Bigger Than Your Big Toe, It Means The Greeks Got...

  I read somewhere that you could tell if a person was an extrovert or an introvert by where they looked when they were concentrating. Let’s do a little... Read more

  Posted on 05 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• They Call Me Mister Cud

  The man at the front of the bus has gum, a lot of it, and he’s not afraid to the show the world. Such a display of strength! Jaws working tirelessly, the bones... Read more

  Posted on 02 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• Accompanying You to the Bathroom This Evening Will Be Dolly Gee Squeakers

  

  Every family has one, I suppose, a loved one who has claimed a certain part of the house for his own. I, for instance, seem to have claimed the kitchen. Read more

  Posted on 01 May 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• I'm Looking for a Sign

  Meanwhile, back in Minneapolis, the indigent have arrived, after a six-month hiatus, no doubt to warmer climes; and the cardboard signs are out: Will Work for... Read more

  Posted on 30 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION

• My Psychosomatic Aunt Fanny! Or, Side Effects May Include...

  When I was 24, a woman I worked with went home with news of her son having been sent home from school with the chicken pox. Within two hours, I had developed... Read more

  Posted on 29 April 2014 HUMOR, SELF EXPRESSION