I'm not sure whether they are really silly or whether other mummies cry over this. But I did, there and then. Uncontrollably. Yes, I admit I have rather active tear glands and the hubby can attest to it. Did you know? Women are biologically wired to shed tears more than men. The male tear duct is larger than the female's, thus men have a big, fat pipe to drain in the rainstorm while women have to deal with overflowing and flooding.
The tears came with the realisation that my once superglue, my girl who stuck 24/7 to me since the day she was born, my girl who spent three long years in a foreign land with me, my girl who used to tug my hair and hugged me like a koala before she could fall asleep, my girl who once would cry whenever Mummy was out of sight, has been unglued.
I know I still have a strong bond with her but somewhere in her heart, it seems like Mummy is champion no more. She now requests for the Daddy to read bedtime stories to her, she wants Daddy to bathe her, she likes Daddy to bring her out to play, she chants "Da-di-da-di" when she is in a crying fit. One day, she was throwing her usual tantrum and demanding to be carried, probably a little jealous of how we always carry the little sister. I reached out my arms and walked towards her, wanting to comfort my darling girl. For the first time ever, she pushed me away. Yes, not forcefully, but a push nonetheless. Then she said "I want Daddy to carry".
If hearts could be broken, mine was smashed into a thousand million pieces at that moment. My lips started to tremble, then they quivered, and the next thing I knew, I ran into the room and buried myself in my pillow so no one could see those silly-mummy tears.Well, if it's of any consolation, the good thing is that my girl has an innate ability to sense it whenever Mummy is feeling down. So she came over, gave me a hug, said "Mummy, I love you" but ran off to be with Daddy thereafter.
******
You know, in times like this, I can truly understand why some parents choose to have only one kid. When there is only one, you can devote all the time, love, money and effort to her and her only. While I was kinda right in believing that love can be multiplied with every child, the sad fact is that time can only be divided.
This is especially so when you have an infant in the house and every time she hollers, you need to cater to her needs. As a result, I am forced to have less time for my elder girl than before and I even expect her to behave like a big sister at times and display mature behavior like not bugging me when I am cooking or help to entertain the little one when she cries.To be fair, I can't ask for a better big sister. She kisses meimei a hundred times a day, hugs her every morning and night, gives her a teether when she wants to munch on books and newspapers, sings and dances for her, laughs and giggles with her, cuddles and huddles with her.
I've heard of cases when the elder sibling gets so jealous of their baby brother and sister and throws tantrums whenever the mom needs to attend to the baby. For instance, I have a friend whose boy will cry and act up whenever she needs to nurse his baby sister, to the extent that breastfeeding became a challenge and a chaos. Kids, they just don't like to share their mums, right? At the beginning, at least.
For Angel, you know what she does when we are in bed and I am nursing the little one? She lies down beside me, puts her hand around me and then says "Mummy, later when you feed meimei already, can you come and hug me?" Sweet, isn't it? I can't ask for a better big sister for now.
While I totally appreciate her generous behaviour, I also come to realize how neglected she has been as compared to when she was the one and only. How then can I even blame her for not wanting to stick to mama as much as before? How then can I try to maintain two very strong bonds with both of my girls? How then can I try to get back that superglue or is it really time for us to part?
Time, I need to find a way to stop you or multiply you.
******
So, there goes my silly-mummy-tears story. Silly or not, I have shed them more times than I like.
For now, if I can't increase time, I am making it a point to share time with my girls. And when I get a chance to, I also let the hubby take care of the little one (which is usually possible for at most half an hour) while I take the chance to re-bond with my big girl.
To read books to her, to take her out to the playground, to listen to her stories, to watch an episode of Dora with her, to hold her little hand and embrace her so very tightly, reminding myself that this is one girl who will always be so special to me, regardless how old she grows or how many times my heart breaks.
I love you so very deeply, my made-in-Sweden superglue, and I hope you know that this will never, ever change and I will always love you so much.
