Love & Sex Magazine

Ugly is as Ugly Does

By Barbarajpeters @CouplesAuthor

Is it ever okay to be nasty or ugly to someone you love, specifically your partner? The short answer is no, but it happens, probably way too often. Sometimes it’s easiest to say inappropriate or hurtful things to those we care about the most. After all, would strangers tolerate our rude comments?
Ugly is as Ugly DoesCan you hear your mother’s voice whispering the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?”

When you’ve been the target of slings and arrows shot from your partner’s mouth, how does it make you feel? Does it make you feel good about yourself, or do you feel really awful? Perhaps you respond in kind to reflect the hurt you’re feeling, usually making matters worse.

Harsh words make people feel “not so great” about themselves. They might have no idea what provoked the outburst from the person they love; they not only feel terrible, they feel confused.

Once the situation is diffused and things are back to normal, you can be sure the offending partner feels contrite, and maybe embarrassed at their outburst. It can be difficult to say “I’m sorry” when you know ugly words cannot be taken back, no matter how convincing or creative your excuse.

So why do we show our nasty side so often to those we love? Why does verbal abuse sometimes happen in even the most loving relationships? Is it our nature to hurt others?

Consider this . . . people may not always evaluate their words and actions before they happen. Maybe they’re in a rush, or maybe they’ve never learned the art of respectful communication. Maybe they’re mean-spirited for one moment in time. Maybe they must get their anger verbalized to be gratified. Maybe they’re in pain or afraid.

A world of maybes! But maybes don’t erase the reality of hurt felt.

Know this for sure – it is harmful to any relationship when words have sharp edges.  There is a better way to express frustration, pain or anger. But it takes genuine compassion and a concentrated effort to understand the effect your behavior or words have on another. It might take time to reach this place, but you will gain respect for yourself and from others once you have mastered the art of words.

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