This is my fourth post on Living Vipassana. I have been excited about being a contributor here from Day 1. It was exactly the right addition to my week; it fits perfectly with how I am carving out my life and where I want it to head. For example, although regular meditation has always been an important part of my life that often doesn’t get done, weekly contribution on a meditation blog keeps it in the forefront for me.
Experiencing change and reflecting on change are distinct activities. Experience happens in the moment. Reflection is after the fact; reflection involves analysis and introspection, resulting in deeper intellectual understanding. Writing–as a weekly habit with accountability–forces me to make time for reflection. Reflection, by my definition, needs quiet introspection and analysis, which often gives rise to questions in me that I haven’t discovered the answers to yet. This, in turn, brings and keeps meditation in the forefront for me. What a beautiful cycle!
During one of these reflection times a question arose in me: in spite of the excitement that I have for writing on this blog, why haven’t I told people that I am writing here? A couple of very close comrades know–like, my significant other, my sister, and the close-knit group of my accountability group. Other trusted individuals discovered on their own because they’re frequent readers of this blog. What about others, though? Why don’t I mention this when “so, what else is new?” echoes in a conversation? Am I choosing humility or safety?
I think safety. Notice the choice of words above: close comrades, close-knit group, trusted individuals. If I were coming from a place of humility, that would be wonderful. Unfortunately, however, I think I am coming from a place of fear. By choosing only close and trusted individuals, I am avoiding possible difference in opinions, difference in interests, possible judgments, and/or active and passive conflicts.
The bare truth is that my fears are imaginary, created by my own mind. It is impossible to know what someone thinks or how someone feels without their sharing. Thus, the imaginary consequences may or may not take place in actuality. And by coming from a place of fear, by choosing avoidance, by keeping myself “safe”, I indirectly choose to betray my own true self.
My true self loves writing, takes meditation seriously, and is passionate about self-growth. Sharing these with only a close-knit group of trusted individuals,
- keeps me in my comfort zone, and
- keeps my comfort zone small.
It’s time to expand. It’s time to take even more ownership. It’s time to more tightly embrace myself for who I am, and allow others the opportunity and pleasure to be a part of it.
For the coming weeks, I will be more aware of how I am integrating the above resolution in my life and actions. The changes this brings will be fascinating to experience and observe.
Needless to say, I wouldn’t be here without Vipassana.
