Is Trump going to back out of the presidential debate? In this biting bit of satire, Alexandra Petri (The Washington Post) says Trump will debate - as long as some conditions are net:Fine! I have agreed to the debate on ABC. But as I proposed during my wonderful speech Thursday, this should be the first of three. I propose that the second debate occur on Fox News, as follows.
The debate is held in front of a rally-size crowd of women (all 10s) and big, strong men weeping and clutching at my hands and saying, “Sir, sir!” They are all weeping because they have missed me so much. I touch them and their golf handicaps decrease.
The debate takes place at Mar-a-Lago, the best place in the world. A bunch of classified documents are there because they will not stop following me loyally around. “Stop following me around, classified documents!” I tell them. “Go on, git!” But they refuse. They will go wherever I go, and that includes the debate. They settle in the back rows in their cardboard boxes, rustling proudly.
The moderator is Bret Bear, an actual bear. RFK Jr. (who is going to have a great job in the new Trump Cabinet) comes and disposes of the bear in his trademark manner
No one calls me weird, even though I have brought JD Vance with me. It’s good that he’s there and no one has second thoughts about him. The only second thought they have is, “I like him, a second time.” One woman says she doesn’t like him, but he points at her and she turns back into a cat, just as he suspected. He will be a great Witchfinder General, my JD.
To get to the debate, Vice President Kamala Harris has to walk through a gantlet of people with bells shouting, “Shame!” JD Vance has the biggest bell, and he is the loudest. The crowd gets bigger and bigger, and they love me more and more. The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. is there, and he says, “I confirm that your crowd is bigger than mine, and also better in undefinable ways.” “Thanks, Dr. King!” I tell him. I give him a big thumbs-up. My sons (all of whom are at least 7 feet tall, like skyscrapers, so they have better access to God) stand in a big line behind me and clap!
Before the moderators can even ask the first question, the U.S. economy flies into the auditorium in the form of a beautiful woman and kisses me full on the mouth. This symbolizes that inflation is ending and it is because of me.
Every judge who has ever wronged me steps up to say that they were mistaken and begs my forgiveness. I would forgive them, but my old friend the late, great Hannibal Lecter arrives and has them for dinner instead. Hannibal Lecter is a big hit!
Kamala agrees to let me give her name a random new consonant every time I say it, as part of the debate conditions. Then we hear a voice!
“Wait, Donald Trump,” the voice says. It is Joe Biden. He is back and he wants to debate me instead. I knew he would come! I know everything because of my MIT uncle.
“I will!” I say, magnanimously. The first debate challenge is to walk up a ramp, and we both walk up the ramp slowly and carefully, but everyone agrees that I walked the ramp better. I walk the ramp again, just to show off. Simone Biles says this is the best she has ever seen anyone do, at anything, and Katie Ledecky agrees. But JD Vance tells them both to hush because men are talking.
We go outside. There are several cows there, and they say, “Sir, sir,” — they are crying, the cows — “we want to be your next hamburgers, do us that favor.” I generously agree. Joe Biden and I walk past the cows to play a round of golf. I get a hole in one. It is the perfect day. The debate could not be better. Now the crowd is twice as big as the crowd that Martin Luther King Jr. had! He says so! And the ratings are through the roof!
Everyone online who was mean to me apologizes. The people in charge of Georgia find all the votes that I told them to find. I am president now, and I will be president forever.
Everyone is cheering for me, and they cheer louder and louder. The cheering never stops. And Kamala Harris isn’t running and it’s July and everything is the same as it was! It’s the perfect debate.
The third debate occurs the same way, on NBC.
