Top 10 Most F#%@ed Up Pokemon

I’ve always been at the periphery of the Pokemon phenomenon having been in high school when it first broke into Western culture and therefore way too cool for such childish nonsense. Since then I have delved into the games from time to time, rarely seeing them through to the end in spite of the excellent design simply because it’s a time consuming endeavor. Without being much of a follower it’s clear even to me that the individual Pokemon all have quite a bit of backstory to them…some of which is downright disturbing. Not even unintentionally disturbing, this is stuff that was written into the mythology and some of it is fucked up.

#10 – Lampent

It’s…a lamp. This Pokemon begins life as a living candle before evolving into a lamp and later becomes a chandelier. That’s not why it’s on this list (if looking strange was the criteria then we’d be here all day), rather what it does. It floats around cities waiting for people to die so it can swoop in and collect the freshly departed soul. Because of course it does.

#9 – Duskull

Pokemon are based on a range of things from mice and birds to ice-cream and magnets. This fellow seems to be based on the personification of death. Once it has chosen a target it will pursue it non-stop until dawn, floating through solid walls and objects. Not creepy enough? It’s noted that Duskull particularly likes the sound of crying children and will seek out disobedient kids for it’s prey.

#8 – Jynx

In the early days of Pokemon the creatures looked, for the most part, like cartoony animals. Jynx was different in that she is a ‘creature’ based on humans. If that was unsettling enough her powers seem focused on her ability to seduce. Her hips sway from side to side when she walks, hypnotizing her foe, and she has an attack called ‘Lovely Kiss’. Whether these powers were supposed to be effective on humans of other Pokemon is not clear, but equally creepy. There was controversy surrounding Jynx and her ‘blackface’ appearance – leading her to be recolored to purple outside of Japan – but it’s the weird sexual nature that makes Jynx more unsettling.

#7 – Spoink

Look how adorable that thing is! It’s a springy pig! It’s like the demented love child of Tigger and Piglet! And it balances a ball on it’s head! Except don’t let it stop bouncing because the spring is part of it’s cardiovascular system. If it stops bouncing the Spoink’s heart will stop and it will die. Makes a great pet.

#6 – Yamask

At a glance the pale face on this Pokemon could be mistaken for it’s real face, but rest assured that it’s only a stone mask. A stone mask representing what this spirit Pokemon looked like when it was a living human. Now they’ve died and become a spirit that carries around a stone mask of it’s old face, which it frequently cries over as it is haunted by the memories of it’s former life. That’s pretty heavy stuff for a kids game. Oh yes…it you put on the mask you’ll be possessed by the spirit of the dead person.

#5 – Drifloon

Aw, look at the cute little balloon Pokemon! Who are formed from the spirits of dead people! Wait, did you think that was the creepy part? Not even close. What makes these things fucked up is the fact that they float around the world trying grab on to children and drag them to the ‘land of the dead’. The only reason they don’t succeed is because they have the heft and wait of the balloon and get treated as such.

#4 – Hypno

Does that image there make you uncomfortable? Good, that’s a healthy reaction. In the Fire Red and Leaf Green editions of the game you may encounter a lost and scared girl who has been frightened by a Hypno, who you then chase away in battle. Once you catch one and read the Pokedex entry on it you’ll discover that there have been incidents of Hypno taking away hypnotized children who are never seen again.

#3 – Parasect

Paras is a small crab-like Pokemon with mushrooms growing out of it’s back – not very unusual by Pokemon standards. The fucked up stuff occurs when it evolves into Parasect. The crab part of the Pokemon changes very little but the fungus on it’s back grows and engulfs it’s body and takes over the brain function of the crab, leaving it a lifeless husk of a body controlled by the parasite on it’s back. Hence the empty zombie eyes.

#2 – Banette

Ok, let’s deal with this one bit by bit. It’s weird looking mouth is actually a zipper, which is pretty creepy. Then you’ve got the needle shaped tail that is impaled through its body, and that’s just messed up. So what’s the deal? Banettes are toys that have have abandoned by their owners and have come to life in order to look for their owners. They can cast curses on people by impaling their own bodies with needles. It’s like the horrible voodoo version of Toy Story 3.

#1 – Cubone

Cubone is listed as the ‘lonely Pokemon’ and if you already know the reason why then you know why he tops this list. Cubone’s face has never been seen as he never removes the skull he wears. By the way, that’s his mother’s skull. As a child Cubone was so traumatized by the death of his mother that he took to wearing her skull (obviously) and withdrew from society. Now his cries can be heard at night, reverberating within the skull to create a particularly mournful sound. The real question is how there came to be more than one of them.

Oh yes, his name was originally ‘Orphon;, just to rub it in.