Today's Review: The Emoji Movie

It's happened. It's finally here. I think we've reached the bottom of the barrel, guys. It's The Emoji Movie, the movie based on emojis. I thought the Angry Birds movie would be the worst, but at least that game actually has a semblance of a plot that they scraped together into a semi-coherent story. This is a movie about little pictures on your phone. 
I remain convinced that there's nothing in the way of story that is worth talking about, but let's go ahead and see how far we get. You see, there's an emoji, who's meant to be a "meh", but does faces other than "meh", which gets him in trouble when the phone user tries to send a "meh" but sends something that is not a "meh". He is threatened with deletion, and then escapes from his text app into a world populated with... other apps. Apps like Facebook! Spotify! Candy Crush! Yes, with a paper thin semblance of plot, we're launched into what is basically a feature length ad for the wonders of smart phones. There are stupid characters, there are jokes that aren't funny, there's Patrick Stewart voicing a poo! Yes, this movie has it all, and it's all hopeless. 
There is no redeeming factor to this movie, it's such a painfully obvious cash grab that's attempting to be down with the kids, they forgot to put anything in it that actually resembles a movie. The performances are flat, the animation is so so, it's just a painful, drawn out mess of a film, and I don't know why I'm still writing about it. How many more ways can I say it's bad? Did I even need to say it? Just look at it, it's a movie about emojis! Don't even go and watch it because you're curious about how bad it could be. It's bad. I got free tickets, and I still feel like I took a bullet for you guys. Just don't see it, don't indulge them. This cannot be the future of cinema.
My rating: 0/5