I woke with a familiar pressure on my bladder. It was the middle of the night, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I came back to bed in tears.
"I think I'm pregnant." I whispered to my sleepy husband as I shook his shoulder. "That's ridiculous" he said as he turned over and fell back to sleep.
I, on the other hand, stayed awake. I knew I was pregnant. We had a toddler and a baby who was six months old. I was exclusively breast feeding and hadn't yet gotten my period back after the pregnancy, so my husband's response was completely reasonable.
But when you know your body, you know these things. Nine months later we had a beautiful baby boy, born two weeks earlier than his due date. He was 6 lbs and 10 oz of beauty and joy. But the inbetween time was not so much. People who saw me pregnant would look at me in astonishment and say "Haven't you had that baby yet?" thinking it was the previous pregnancy gone on too long.
Yes - I actually had given birth to THAT baby. This one was a different one. This one was THIS baby. That one was THAT baby. Sheesh.
There were a few things that I discovered about myself and about other people during that time. I offer them here in this space, knowing that your situation may be different, but hoping that you will feel some nuggets of encouragement.
- You owe nobody, I mean nobody, an explanation. When people say things, when they comment about your pregnancy you don't have to tell them anything that you don't want to. When they ask if you were planning this, if it was a surprise, if you're happy .... those are intimate questions, and you don't have to let people know the answer.There will be people that you can share with and cry with, but the average bystander and acquaintance is not worthy of your explanations. Whether you used birth control or not - it's none of their business. Whether you were planning this or not - none of their business. Don't feel any pressure to give people a response.
- Your baby is not a mistake. Your baby may be unexpected; your baby may be a surprise - but your baby is absolutely NOT a mistake. Mistakes are supposed to be erased, they are supposed to be corrected. Surprises are unexpected and take some rethinking and adjusting, but ultimately you do adjust. There is a massive difference between a mistake and a surprise.
- You need safe people. You need people who will listen to you, judgment free as you rant and rave about your body, your mother-in-law, your oversexed husband, your life in ruins, all of it. You need to be able to say that you want to run away to safe people who know that these feelings will pass. Safe friends who will love you and protect you from a world that feels overwhelming are a gift.
- Be okay with asking for help. I made a vow that hurt me for years when I got pregnant unexpectedly. That vow was that no one would ever see me out of control. It was such a mistake. I carried such a heavy burden of having to keep it together. People who knew and loved me knew that I wasn't keeping it together, but I tried to hide it under the vow that I had foolishly made. When I finally broke free of that, I cried and cried, ending the crying session with a soul-deep sigh.I was finally free to admit my need for others, my need for help. Don't be like me. Ask for help.
- Routine could be your best friend. When you find yourself pregnant and you have a toddler in the house, routine is a wonderful gift. Routine means you can say "No, I'm sorry - I can't do that. It's nap time." Routine builds security in you and your children. Routine gives you time to recharge and drink tea. Routine is not binding - it's freeing.
- Be okay saying "No." "No - I can't make a dessert for the women's brunch." "No, I can't chaperone the preschool field trip." "No, I can't baby sit your kids." "No, I can't work those extra hours." "No, I can't fill in for a sick nurse, or a sick Sunday school teacher, or a sick anyone anytime anywhere." No. No. No. For some reason, I was an easy yes. I remember one time sitting at someone's house helping her fold her clothes and make apple crisp. Suddenly I thought "This is ridiculous! I'm the one with five kids! I'm the one who needs to fold clothes and make apple crisp - AT HOME! I realized that I needed to put healthy boundaries around my time.
- Toddlers and preschoolers don't need everything that western society says they do. They don't need hundreds of outings, they don't need a bunch of different play groups. They need you. They need Grandma if she's around. They need security and safety. Self-actualization is way far away on Maslow's hierarchy. Don't worry about it. If play groups help you - well then, have at it. But if they don't - then don't worry about "socializing" your child. Believe me, there is a lot of socialization that your kid can do without.
- On days when you are so tired, and you just can't do it anymore, there's always tea and reading time. Put quiet music on in the background and read to your little ones. Then, put them in their happy places while you read yourself.
- One day you will get your body and your sleep back. It won't be the same, it can never be the same. That's the price we pay for having these little humanoids who grab our hearts with their vice-like grips and create a gap in your well-oiled armor. But there will come a day when you put on a little-maybe-big(ger) black dress and go out with your true love again. There will come a day when you have a full night sleep. There will come a day when all of your children - even the surprise ones - are potty trained. There will come a time when you watch your own television shows and movies. There will come a time when you miss your kids. But it won't be for awhile.
- Allow people to celebrate for you. You may think this is the worst thing ever, the timing is all wrong, you were going to go back to school to get a masters degree, you had finally lost all your baby weight, your husband is looking for a new job, you just started back to work - there may be all kinds of reasons that you have for not being able to celebrate. But others can celebrate for you. When I arrived in London, unexpectedly pregnant with my fifth child, no one in Cairo knew. I hadn't told anyone. I arrived in London and my best friend met me at the airport. I hugged her and then burst into tears. "I'm pregnant!" "You're so lucky!" she said. She had had a couple of miscarriages and she knew what it was to be gratefully pregnant. It was perfect. No - I didn't feel lucky. No - I felt totally overwhelmed. But her reaction was so wonderfully spontaneous and lovely that I began to feel a measure of hope with her response.
You could still be wondering why you are pregnant when you are in labor and about to deliver the baby - but once you see that tiny, little person, you will be in utter awe and the heartburn will be gone.
So to you who got pregnant too soon - I hear you. I'm with you. You join the multitudes of us around the world in that special "I got pregnant too soon and I realize I can't control my life club." It's a club that humbles you and grows you up quickly. No one intends to join the club, but once you're in it, you realize that it's a pretty great club after all.
