Two weeks from yesterday we’ll be walking through the doors of our new house. Like, what?! When did this happen? I feel like we just made all of these crazy decisions yesterday and now it’s almost time to move. I’d be lying if I said this was easy. It never is. There’s so much that has to be done before we go. Numbers that need called, documents that need signed, things that need packed. Z gets home only two days before the movers come so it’s pretty much all on my shoulders right now. And it has been for the past couple of months. I’m not complaining; I know this is his job and that he has to go.
But if you’ve been around here for awhile, you know I don’t sugar coat things. And if you’re new to these parts, now you know. Life isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows and social media often portrays something other than reality. I don’t want you to think everything in my life is perfect. No one’s life is perfect. So why should I only share the good?
I have SO much to be thankful for but sometimes, depression and anxiety win. I want my kids to look up to me and be proud of me. But all they see is a tired, stressed, and frustrated mama. They’ve been acting out a lot more often too. Do they sense the stress and tension? Do they need their Dad? Are they just at “the age?” I don’t know. But there’s only one of me, two kids, two dogs, and two cats. I always forget to feed someone. One kid throws a fit about their clothes and the other throws a fit about breakfast. One dog runs away while or somehow a cat gets out.
And then there are the thoughts in my head. That never, ever stop…
“I need to take pictures.”
“And edit a post.”
“Oh and buy treats for school.”
“Did I pay the new water bill?”
“How am I getting all of these presents home for Christmas?”
“Why am I breaking out so badly?”
I could go on and on. No wonder I haven’t been sleeping! There’s not enough of me to go around. I’m spread so thin right now and I feel like that’s got a lot to do with how my kids are acting. I’m always cleaning up a mess or sending something in before a deadline. Changing laundry, washing dishes, picking up the house. There’s never enough time. I know people say that all of those things can wait and to spend the time with my kids while I can. Well sometimes I don’t have that luxury. Things have to get done. And when it’s just me, I’m the sole person in charge of all of it.
I know it could be worse. I would never compare myself to a single mother and I am so thankful for all of the blessings and opportunities I have. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t been having a really hard time these past few months. That I’ve struggled with who I am as a person and what I’m doing. Am I being the best mom I can be? No. Am I being the best wife I can be? No. Am I being the best blogger I can be? No. Because at best, I would say all I’m able to do is keep my head above water.
So when we walk into our new house in two weeks, I hope to start fresh. I want to get rid of the clutter (literally and figuratively) and really start over. Set rules in place. Start a new routine. Declutter. Find help if I need it. I’m not sure what Z’s schedule will look like and who knows, he could be gone all the time there too. But I guess we won’t know until we get there and roll with the punches.
Because that’s all we can do right? Roll with the punches. Take the rain with the sunshine. Put on our big girl pants. And just handle it.
I saw this necklace at a boutique crawl a few weeks ago and it’s something I want to remember everyday. There may or may not be a tattoo coming in my future but that’s a story for another time. But I feel like I am the lotus flower. I’ve struggled through dark times and fought demons and yes, I’m still fighting them. But just like the lotus flower, I’ll rise from the dark and into the light. And beauty will come from it
To new beginnings.
