Here at LAP, we like to consider ourselves good law-abiding citizens. Unless, of course, we are actually out having fun and not abiding by the law. All that aside, we have been intently following the story of recent mansion robberies in Southwest Florida. Not tensions in the Middle East or the deterioration of Social Security but a bunch of multi-million dollar home invasions in the state shaped like a penis.
Why?
Because ninjas.
Before you think us shallow, let us give you yet another reason why we found this story so intoxicating:
Ninjas wearing fedoras.
We’d also like to point out there was a $26,000 reward being offered by the FBI for any information that would lead to the robbers. 26 grand could certainly buy a lot of sock monkeys and Nutella.
Unfortunately for us, the trio of Ninja robbers has recently been captured and our dreams of rolling around in chocolate have been dashed. However, that’s more than made up for in the comfort and knowledge that the streets of Collier County are once again safe from men who take fashion advice from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.
Let’s take a moment to focus on what’s truly important about this story. Some rich people were robbed. By Ninjas. Wearing fedoras. In a time where the fedora has become the Ed Hardy of headware, it only stands to reason that a fat ninja would don such an appropriate accessory.
But, we’d like to prove, once and for all, fedoras really aren’t that bad. Just look at all these influential people who chose to make a statement by flaunting the head piece made popular during Prohibition.
Popes have been wearing fedoras for years; you just didn’t know it. Pope Francis finally had the balls to wear one out in public. Just look at him, he’s even throwing gang signs. West SIIIIDE! Gangsta.
It’s easy to see why Pope Z would feel so comfortable donning a fedora considering the son of God started the trend about 2014 years ago. Pay attention the next time someone says smoking will kill ya.
One must admit, the Commander in Chief looks like he was born to wear a fedora. Anyone wanting to purchase this gingham fashion statement, let us know and we’ll be sure to work something out.
Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen owns the monopoly on making pedophiles squirm. And with good reason. How intimidating must it be to be interrogated by a man wearing a peacock feather? Why don’t you take a seat…
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. That’s one bad ginger.
RIP, Corey Haim. The Oscars may have forgotten about him during their annual memoriam but we certainly haven’t. The Academy clearly never watched The Lost Boys. Corey was the subject for most of the shitty poetry written during the 80s by prepubescent love-struck 13 year old girls.
Not wanting to leave out the ladies, here’s Tina Fey. That’s one bad bitch, right there. She doesn’t even take off her fedora to shave. Here’s to hoping for a Tiny Fey/Chuck Norris lovechild sometime in the near future.
So the next time you’re dashing out of the house, go ahead and grab your coat and fedora. Don’t think of greedy ninjas. Instead, think of Tina, making out with Chuck, and making a baby.
**Special thanks to Chowderhead for his amazing photographic editing skillz.
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