Humor Magazine

Thoroughly Modern Messiah

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

Step aside first century. The New Testament may soon be referred to as The Old New Testament. That’s because one the most widely distributed books in the world is finally getting a makeover.

For decades, religious leaders have watched the steady decline in church attendance, as well as fewer ticket sales to such fun stand-by’s as church bazaars, church picnics, and Tuesday night bingo. The church knows that in order to remain relevant, they mustn’t wait for new converts, they must, instead, reach out to hipper demographics, particularly young urbanites.

“Today’s youths,” says Arnold Peltierre, a spokesman at Kolchek and Moore, a PR firm representing the Vatican’s American media presence, “are busier than any other generation. They’re on their iPad computers, their cellular data phones, they attend concerts, they’re seeing 3D movies, they are just go go go. The more our technology progresses, however, we lose sight of what’s important. And, well, the Bible simply is no longer the centerpiece of cool that it once was. So, how do you survive in today’s market? Simple. You adapt your product.”

Kolchek and Moore are reporting that the Vatican is looking at today’s hottest trends in order to create what they describe as ‘…a Bible that is hip, sexy and a real page-turner.’


Arnold Peltierre, bridging the gap between holiness and hipsters.

Arnold Peltierre explained why this should not be viewed as sacrilege. “The Bible has been written and translated and re-rewritten and re-translated, like, a million times. We’re just rewriting it for a 21st century audience.”

Unveiling a few of the ideas being considered, Peltierre got really excited about a few in particular. “So, check this out. Everyone knows about Noah’s filling the Ark with two of every creature, right? Well, we wondered, why couldn’t that include sexy vampires? It’s a no-brainer, right? So, what we’ve done is to go ahead and create an all-new character, Vincent. Vincent is a teenage vampire, brooding, a little sullen, but also someone so mysterious that you cannot look away. And, yup, you guessed it, Vincent falls in love with one of the young women aboard the Ark. Now, she’s a little scared of him, initially. I mean, at first, she’s all, ‘OMG! Vampire!’ But, ya know, she begins to see past his sultry, bad boy image and inevitably falls for the sensitive and charming little puppy dog of a vampire lying beneath that beautiful, glittering skin.” Mr. Peltierre quickly added, “Just to be clear, God made glitter first, so you can’t copyright that stuff. At least, I’m pretty sure… You know what? We are gonna go ahead and check with our lawyers and get back to you.”

What other exciting changes might we expect in the Newest New Testament?


Inspired by the success of Tobey Maguire’s Seabiscuit, keep your eyes peeled for the tale of the long-shot team of Jesus and Pedro, two outsiders from a small Israeli town that go on to win the Kentucky Derby.

“Well, based on our test groups,” Peltierre said, “the whole turning water into wine is rated poorly. So, we thought that it made more sense for Jesus to turn water into an energy drink. It’s a product placement opportunity waiting to happen, so we’re trying to convince the Vatican to sign off on either Lamb’s Berry Blood X-Treme or Methuselah Julep.

“Speaking of test groups, we also received dozens of requests for more of an alternative lifestyle representation, so we will be revamping David’s, uh, ‘friendship’ with Jonathan by including a civil marriage, one with a Cabana theme. Spoiler alert!”


“You’re like my own little Legolas, David.”
“You’re my Gimli, Jonathan.”

Peltierre, known by many in the industry for thinking outside the box, was excited about expanding the Bible’s reach. “We are looking to revamp Jesus’ look, too. We want to showcase him as the original hipster. He’s got the beard, the sandals, a love for ironic tees. We slap a pair of non-prescription eyeglasses on him, a messenger bag across his chest, a pair of skinny jeans, maybe we give him a job at a pot dispensary, call it Bethlehemp. I’m just spitballing, of course, but you can see that we have a ton of options. This version of the Bible, I’m pretty confident, will go on to be this generation’s… whatever, some famous book like Hunger Games. Who knows, if we do this right, the New New Testament can even be the first in a trilogy!”

Peltierre hopes the Vatican approves the New New Testament for release by Christmas 2014.

Pray that it all comes together.


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