Humor Magazine

This Weekend’s Forecast: Sex and Wine

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

You know what’s happening this weekend is, don’t you?

Let me give you a hint – it’s a special day that celebrates love. Many women have been waiting months for this day so that they can revel in a night of pure romance.   Meanwhile, many men will be spending a night out with their significant others when they’d really just rather sit home and watch some college basketball.   But those men will gladly shell out money if it means there’s sex involved.   Or at least a few glimpses of nipple.

I’m talking, of course, about the opening weekend of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

50 shades movie

What? You thought I was talking about Valentine’s Day?

I read the first book of the series and thought it was utter horseshit. I appreciate that it was written to my grade school reading level, but even that couldn’t sway me from laughing at the completely asinine inner thoughts of Ana, a 21-year-old American girl:

- His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.

– I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone.

– The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion.

– Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel

– The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst-quenching and refreshing.

– My very small inner goddess sways in a gently victorious samba.

Seriously, do any of you 21-year-old women out there actually talk like that?!?!   (If so, please comment in that style down below.)   There’s also that pesky little matter of the male main character treating his sex partner as a possession.

That all said… I’m TOTALLY going to go see the movie.   And I would encourage any guy to see it for three reasons.

First, boobies. (I sooo wanted to post a picture to illustrate this first reason. But I think the bosses here at Long Awkward Pause may frown upon it.)

Second, knockers.   (Guys, you sure I can’t post a pic?)

Third, if you’re a single guy, I can think of worse places to be than a movie theater filled with soccer moms who are without their kids and, if the filmmakers did their job, are pretty horny.

hot mom meme

As for the drunk part, they have that covered, too –

50 shades wine

I normally can’t stand it when products exist as pure gimmickry because they’re conceived and developed in a conference room.  Rather than trying to put out a good product, the emphasis is on how they can make money off of movie or television fans.   Wine is particularly tricky because there are so many variables that go into its production. It’s very difficult to make a decent wine and very easy to make complete swill.

In this case, they’re expecting rabid fans of the 50 Shades franchise, whose tastes are somewhat suspect, to buy mass quantities the wine.  Then have all their other 50 Shades loving cougar friends over after the movie to get drunk, talk about the sexy parts, and then have a lingerie-clad pillow fight.

Dayummm. Well played, marketers. Marketers 1, Wine Snob 0.

Not wanting to go down without a fight, I decided to buy a couple bottles and prove my point.

Right off the bat, I’m a little uneasy that they both say they’re from “California” and not anything more specific like Napa Valley or Howell Mountain.   This means that they can get their grapes from anywhere in California.  They could very well be getting  high quality grapes from Napa, but there’s a better chance they’re from Fast Eddie’s Grape Emporium in the middle of Death Valley. (Hint: that’d suck)

Tasting Notes

White Silk – California White Wine 2012 ($17)

The label doesn’t indicate what kind of grapes are in it, but it has really strong floral, honey, and lychee aromas. That, along with the slight sweetness (off-dry), fruitiness, and silky texture has me thinking it’s got a lot of Gewurztraminer in it. But there’s also a good amount of lingering acidity in it, so maybe there’s Sauvignon Blanc or Pinot Grigio? There’s only a slight amount of oaky flavors, so I’m guessing they threw some chips into the stainless steel barrels. I wish it had a little bit more fruit to balance the alcohol burn on the finish. Overall, pretty good.

Red Satin – California Red Wine 2012 ($17)

Medium-purple color, clear, with some pink around the edges. Strong, dusty aroma with lots of blueberries, chocolate and some black pepper on the nose.   On the palate, it’s full-bodied and bold, but not jammy. Not much in terms of acids, but very tannic. There’s some oak there, but it’s restrained. Maybe French barrels? Really well-balanced and lingering finish. I’m definitely thinking Syrah and maybe Cabernet Franc?  Definitely well worth the money.

The Verdict

Dammit.  They weren’t supposed to be that good.  They aren’t going to make me forget that bottle of 2000 Chateau Leoville-Poyferre, but it sure isn’t that megabox of Franzia I saw some college students walking out of the store with.   I’ve had a few cheaper wines that were better, but many, many more expensive wines that weren’t as good.

Marketers 2, Wine Snob 0.

Have you read the books? Are you going to see the movie? (Remember to respond in your best romance novel voice)



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