Humor Magazine

This Week On Earth: May 10th – May 16th 2015

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

Hello Saturday!

Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of:

May 10th – May 16th 2015


Puff, Puff…Can’t Pass…I’m On Satellite

If you are on South African television having a debate about the legalization of marijuana, and the opposing side is nipping at your chi…what better way to get yourself back into a more centered plane than to light up a big doobie on air?

Because when it comes down to it, you really have two choices:

A) Get all angry and scream your point across, which will just get you flustered and possibly make an ass of yourself on TV

or

B) Light up a fat one, take some puffs, calm down, grab a bag of Doritos, and possibly make an ass of yourself on TV

Warning: Dagga is South African for pot

Warning: Pompous pot smoker ahead


She Was A Fast Machine, But More Importantly…She Kept Her Motor Clean

Credit: LiveLeak.com

Credit: LiveLeak.com

Talk about getting a hot piece of tail (pipe)! This man is indeed, having sex with a car.

Don’t worry, the car is of consensual age. We believe it’s a 1992 Honda Civic.

This guy must have some game, because he did talk the car into letting him have anal.


Deflategate…Will It Affect Ted 2?

The New England Patriots will be fined $1 million dollars, and Quarterback Tom Brady will be suspended for 4 games after the incident in which the team was found to have used underinflated footballs during the playoffs.

They also have to forfeit their first-round selection in the 2016 NFL Draft and their fourth-round pick in the 2017 draft.

They also have to hand write 100 times, “I will not underinflated football balls.”

And finally, the Patriots will have to donate 200 hours of  inflating footballs…to the correct size mind you…for charity.

Warning: Boring! (Unless you are a Patriots fan)

 If you are one of the millions of fans who actually care, and believe in the New England Patriots’ innocence, then there is a GoFundMe account for YOU to help pay the fines. You can donate here: www.gofundme.com/newenglandpatriots


Do You Like Swedish Seaman?

Russia keeps wanting to ram their long, hard submarines into the spread open gaps of the Swedish territories. Sweden is known for their hospitality, chocolate, and open-to-anything-lifestyle, but…come on…at least send over some Russian vodka first as foreplay!

The Swedish Peace and Arbitration Society  has come up with a peaceful way of keeping the Russians at bay by playing on their fears of homophobia. Fears that are justified when you are stuck in Siberia for months with only your male friend Borg, 6 crates of vodka, and a Husky with the bluest of eyes…

Excuse us…

Anyway:

The defense system is dubbed as the “Singing Sailor Underwater Defense System.” It also uses an underwater sonar to dispatch a Morse code message that translates to: “This way if you are gay.”

Warning: Neon Jiggling Junk


Definitely Have A Cow Man

Credit: www.huffingtonpost.com

Credit: http://www.huffingtonpost.com

Say goodbye to Ned Flanders, Mr. Burns, Otto, and Principal Skinner as the voice of these iconic characters calls it quits.

That voice belongs to Harry Shearer. He also voices a dozen other characters. This is all on top of the announcement that the Simpsons will live for two more seasons…and then…quite possibly forever.

Shearer is leaving over contract disputes.

So what are the options for the producers of The Simpsons?

A) Hire a Harry Shearer voice impersonator?

B) Kill all of the characters that he voices?

C) Fix his contract?

D) Rerun old shows and pretend they are new shows for the next two years?

E) Make all his characters mutes?

F) Slowly have the Futurama characters take over?

homer


King Of Blues To Play Tribute Concert For Elvis

BB King dies in his sleep in Las Vegas. He was 89.

Apparently God had wanted to hear a little box guitar blues.

In other news, your Facebook/Twitter feed should only be full of BB King death notices for about 2 days.

Warning: Apple users hate free U2 albums


News From The Office

Not much happening this week…

Oma’s beard is starting it’s own blog…more details as they come in.

Katie rearranged her desk drawers alphabetically.

Ned channeled his inner Liam Nielsen:

Rants is now the new spokesman for Kraft Mac and Cheese

Credit: Adam Sendak Graphics

Credit: Adam Sendak Graphics

Mark, co-host of the Pausecast, blew out his knee playing dodgeball, so the first podcast might be delayed a week.

Jack ate a twinkie.


MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

LAP TV: YouTube

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.


You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Hue Are You? with Kim Hoegger

    You? with Hoegger

    Welcome to HUE ARE YOU? A weekly blog series exploring different creatives' views on color and its use in interiors, art and design. We will dive deep into thei... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Bridgetbeari
    HOME, INTERIOR DESIGN
  • 10 Strategies For Rebounding From Startup Failures

    Strategies Rebounding From Startup Failures

    If you can’t deal with failure, then the entrepreneur lifestyle is not for you. Don’t believe that urban myth that all you need is a good idea, a little fun... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Martin Zwilling
    BUSINESS, CAREER
  • Lance Armstrong Settles $100 Million Lawsuit with Federal Government

    Lance Armstrong Settles $100 Million Lawsuit with Federal Government

    Yesterday, former pro cyclist and Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong put to rest the final lawsuit that has been dogging him since he admitted to doping... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Kungfujedi
    OUTDOORS
  • Actor Matt McGorry Does Some Serious Ally Work

    Actor Matt McGorry Does Some Serious Ally Work

    If you’ve watched How To Get Away With Murder or Orange is the New Black, you’ve seen the work of actor Matt McGorry. If you follow him on Facebook you saw him... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Danceswithfat
    DIET & WEIGHT, FITNESS, HEALTH
  • Trio of Climbers Make First Ascent of Jeannette Peak in Canada

    Trio Climbers Make First Ascent Jeannette Peak Canada

    The news of this story broke a week or so back while I was on the road, and it got lost in my email box until now. Still, it is a good story and I thought it wa... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Kungfujedi
    OUTDOORS
  • Teach Anywhere

    Teach Anywhere

    Teach anywhere one of the best recruitment companies for teachers in the UAE. The Dubai City Company would like to review this company. With this in mind, this... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Dubai City Company
    CAREER
  • Khost - Governance

    Khost Governance

    U.K. duo khost released their third full-length album titled Governance in June of 2017.What Damian Bennett and Andy Swan have created is a nightmarish... Read more

    The 20 April 2018 by   Ripplemusic
    ENTERTAINMENT, MUSIC

Magazine