'Stick out your tongue. Hmmm, very red," said Sally, my no-nonsense acupuncturist. Healthy tongues are pink, red is a sign of too much inflammation. My yin and yang were also out of balance. "During menopause, your feminine energy is low, so your body may contain heat and you may feel hot flashes, you may feel moody and uncomfortable because your body is out of balance."
A moment later I was covered in needles and a bunch of herbs smoldered on my stomach, causing plumes of smoke to fly up. Did they say, "HELP ME!"? It would make sense, but this was moxibustion, designed to draw away the heat and promote detoxification.
The mysterious ways of Chinese medicine were beyond my understanding, but I couldn't argue with Sally's assessment. I had felt moody, tired, unbalanced; or as some - starting with my friend - would say: surly.
Sleeping had become something I did in a past life, and my stomach was a bubbling cauldron of anxiety. I had tried lavender oil, weighted blankets, probiotic yogurt drinks, and HRT patches. Nothing worked. But now I could finally outsource the problem, because I had come for the new Radiant Bliss program for women's wellness in the famous Thai spa town of Kamalaya - and I had not just Sally, but a legion of world-class experts working tirelessly to make my rebalancing yin and yang and helping me get through the highs and lows of the rollercoaster of menopause.
There is no more beautiful place to feel in menopause. Kamalaya is built on a sacred hill and the grounds are dotted with Buddhist and Hindu temples; there's even a monk meditation cave filled with offerings, and you're never far from the soothing sound of running water. Villas and pavilions with Thai-style thatched roofs disappear into a lush, jungle-like garden with ferns, banana palms and giant boulders. At night it is lit by lanterns topped with Spanish moss. Everywhere you go, the yellow-suited staff light up and greet you with a smile and a bow, hands pressed together as if in prayer: "Sah-wah-dee kah."
The story continues
I had arrived two days earlier on this island paradise on the quiet south side of Koh Samui, Thailand, and was immediately drawn into the warm embrace of Kamalaya with a flurry of essential oil-infused cold towels and a cooling drink of butterfly pea juice; they had already anticipated all my needs and that was before I had even met Tara, my personal wellness coach and naturopath.
Tara came to the rescue like Mary Poppins and adapted the program to my needs. My goals, we determined, were to address my gut and hormonal issues, get a good night's sleep and, if they could help me put my favorite pants back on, so much the better.
The mood turned somber for a moment when Tara gave me the results of my bioimpedance analysis, which measures body composition. I had gained six kilos in as many months and a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.82 put me in the danger zone that could make me more susceptible to cancer and heart disease. That's another great thing about menopause: Because estrogen decreases, women tend to lose muscle and gain fat, while digestion slows down, which can lead to intestinal problems like increased gas and constipation. It's no wonder we feel grumpy. Stress made my problems worse.
"That could be why your body is holding on to fat right now. But that is not it at bad," Tara said cheerfully as she handed me my review. "I usually write long lists of recommendations." I tried my best not to cry when she prescribed the ideal weight program. I had heard that the food in Kamalaya was heavenly and I was not in the mood for a starvation diet, but like the best guardian angels, Tara was sweet but firm. She went on to write what seemed suspiciously bad a lot of such as a long list of recommendations, a big cross on the daily holistic schedule in addition to pranayama (breathing) and yoga. "You need to focus on these activities to bring down your stress hormones."
And so my rehabilitation began, the days started with a glass of cleansing warm water and lime juice and the chorus of birdsong on my balcony. At 7:45 PM I headed to the open-air yoga pavilion between the fitness rooms. It was here, overlooking the lush, jungle-fringed coastline below, that I learned to breathe - really breathe. Breathing is serious business at Kamalaya, they have an entire room dedicated to it (the Prana Pavilion). I learned the different ways we can use our breath to calm the mind and energize the body. I even had a one-on-one pranayama breathing class with my life mentor, Praveena.
If Tara was the guardian angel of my body, Praveena was the keeper of my soul. She was a former monk of 23 years and a trained psychotherapist with sparkling eyes. She had an uncanny ability to get to the heart of any problem and gave me sensible, easy-to-follow advice.
For the treatments, of which there were two or three a day, I went to the open-air wellness reception; this is the spa's engine room, with the treatment rooms spread across the hill. At first I felt like I was climbing Everest following my therapist, but the journey was always worth it.
My program started with a foot bath and massage, to help me sleep and offset the jet lag and, oh my god, what a dream it was. Likewise, the Chi Nei Tsang (internal organ massage) was a revelation as my therapist, Yu, unraveled the knots that lay deep in my abdomen. Then I suddenly felt nauseous, as if she had loosened several rounds of tequila that had been stuck there since the 1980s. The elimination process was quick and dramatic, but I soon felt lighter and clearer. When repeating the same treatment three days later, my intestines were noticeably less sensitive, and the hand massage that followed was possibly the best hour of my life.
Tara explained that treatments are designed to build on each other. "We start by relaxing and grounding you, then we work on the physical, mental and emotional." The program alternates between Western functional medicine, which includes naturopathy, vitamin supplements and IV infusions, and traditional medicine that works to rebalance the five elements (water, wood, fire, earth and metal). So one minute I was hooked up to an IV to replenish my magnesium for better sleep, the next minute flames were flickering across my stomach during an ancient Thai herbal medicine treatment to improve digestion.
Even the Ideal Weight menu was a pleasant surprise and far from the hardship I had imagined. At breakfast in the open-air restaurant Soma, which overlooks the treetops full of dancing butterflies, I was able to help myself to tropical fruit, detox muesli, a generous salad bar and eggs (for extra protein). At lunch we went to a private dining "sala" at the Amrita (Sanskrit for "divine nectar") Café, overlooking the beautiful blue-green pool and beach, for Detox Som Tam green papaya salad and added "protein part" of shrimp, chicken breast , squid or even ostrich. Tara had encouraged me to eat these extra options with every meal if I could, because our bodies need more protein in middle age.
During the week I met an incredible number of people, and one of the favorite topics around the communal dining table was the pros and cons of different wellness resorts. I learned that some spas encourage you to chew like a cow, while laughing during dinner is strictly prohibited. Others will scare you out of bed and march you into the mountains at the crack of dawn. Then there are those who convince you that you should spend thousands of euros on aesthetic 'improvements'. I'm sure it all works for some, but Kamalaya's soft, gentle ethos may be what people respond to best. It's definitely a good place to go when you feel battered by life and need to get back together.
It's no surprise that 40 percent of guests are repeat customers. Often they come to lose weight, but leave changed on a deeper level. I lost two and a half kilos (five pounds) in a week, but deeper shifts had definitely taken place. My sleep had improved and even my tongue had lost its fur, a sign that my digestive system was on edge. Tara told me I looked rosy. It's a cliché to say I felt renewed, but I did. I left feeling like I'd had a good holiday and revived my spirit along the way.
Essentials
The Radiant Bliss program on Kamalaya Koh Samui (00 66 7742 9800) starts from £2,850 for eight nights. This includes all treatments and three meals per day. Accommodation is booked separately and starts from £150 per night.
British Airways, EVA Air and Thai Airways all offer direct flights from Britain to Bangkok; from €661 return. From Bangkok you can fly to Samui International Airport with EVA Air from £100 return.
Read Kamalaya's full review
