We try to keep things light and airy around here, and we do that by telling fart jokes, pulling the occasional rubber chicken prank on De Voss, and by maintaining a positive outlook. In no way, shape or form, does maintaining a positive outlook involve gluing transparent inspirational posters all over our social media pages.
The consensus is unanimous at the LAP offices that these posters are not a proclamation of one’s current positive mindset, but instead, a desperate cry for help. Either that, or a passive aggressive dig against somebody on the friend list. Most likely an ex.
That got us to thinking about what exactly is going on in this person’s life that has caused such a massive leap from sloppy-drunk and depressed, to the self-actualization stage over night? You’re not fooling us. This is a time of great turbulence, and the smoke signals being sent out from some deserted social media island appear to be carrying subliminal messages.
Let’s try and decode a few:
1.) Mr. Brightside
Translation: ”I almost punched an Old Lady at the grocery store today because she stole the last bottle of Hidden Valley Zesty Italian dressing. But I’m good now. I bought ranch instead.”
2.) Optimism – Pass it On
Translation: ”It’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I’m still job-hunting in my pajamas.”
3.) Insubordinate Issues
Translation: ”I got fired again today and told that I have’anger issues’. According to my boss, I need to learn how to better control my emotional outbursts. But he was a dickhead, so what does he know?”
4.) Sinner
Translation: ”I’m a whore and a pathological liar. I also ran over a squirrel this morning on the way to work kind of on purpose.”
5.) Hung Up
Translation: ”I’m sniffing my ex’s boxers that I stole from him three years ago. But I think that’s normal. I should be over the habit in a couple more years.”
6.) Somebody Stop Me
Translation: ”I cannot stop fucking up. This is getting out of control.”
7.) Shining Star
Translation: ”I might have to call a hotline if this doesn’t get at least 5 “likes”.”
8.) God Knows me Better than You
Translation: (See translation #4)
9.) Something Good for a Change
Translation: ”I’m pretty lucky to not have to pay rent at my parents’ house. And they’re right anyways, a lot of people live at home until they retire…Right?”
10.) Sincerely, Anonymous
Translation: ”I’m getting pretty good at writing these things.”
11.) Let’s Be Friends Again, but I Still Hate You
Translation: ”STOP UNSUBSCRIBING FROM ME I POST GOOD STUFF, DUMMIES!”
12.) Letting Go
Translation: ”My boyfriend/girlfriend just dumped the shit out of me.”
13.) A Big Heart
Translation: ”I needy you.”
14.) Friends
Translation: ”I very desperately need some friends right now…”
15.) Friends Part II
Translation: ”I am a complete asshole, and everybody is starting to realize that now.”
16.) Dating Games
Translation: ”I haven’t been on a date in like, 12 years.”
17.) You Can Do It
Translation: ”I’ll go to the gym tomorrow. I’ll definitely be ready by tomorrow. Cheetos.”
18.) That’s all it Takes
Translation: ”It’s pretty rare when I learn from a mistake, and I’m extremely bitter about the past.”
19.) Happy Pills
Translation: ”I have so many problems right now. SO so many problems.”
20.) Resolutions
Translation: ”It’s only January 5th and my New Years resolution has already fallen apart.”
21.) Any Takers?
Translation: ”Desperately seeking a shoulder to cry on right now. Any takers?”
