This is almost pointless. But, I didn’t want to not do one. I think this is the least amount of television I’ve watched in a single day ie day. I think maybe I’ve come close before, or I’m forgetting another day or something, but I watched one show. I think that makes me decidedly too normal, and the bait here is do I talk about that one show, or not?
TV Show Watched: Time Bandits: S1E9 (Apple plus) with audio description.
So, Time bandits is OK. Not just is the audio description fine, but the show isn’t blowing my mind. I’m still thinking about this idea of audio description, and what it can be. After I wrote yesterday’s diary, I was ruminating on what our world would be like if Alan Turing had remained the preeminent voice in computers, and really anytime anyone tried to apply what he had began to work on to anything else, he just reigned it back in so that computers never became more than just a great way to decode spy messages. But, that’s not what happened, and people kept asking what else can this thing do while still actually functionally being a computer.
I think because often we start with accessibility, and it works, so we don’t break it. But not everything is as simple as a developed language like Braille or ASL to say it doesn’t need to grow or change. So if we had a magic wand, what else could audio description actually do? Sort of like a metaphysical question. Like, if I entered in my God mode cheat code, and could alter the state of humanity and manipulate how audio description is currently used, what else could it do?
Well, the streaming services are quite capable of hosting audio introductions in their extras. Netflix did just that for All The Light We Cannot See, and it is something that could help establish a world. it would be almost like this extra thing you had to watch, but think of how many people in the days of DVD’s were willing to explore all those extras. In fact, those extras were often the selling featur. You somehow felt slighted if your DVD was barebones. Perhaps it just had the trailer. Maybe an extra audio track in Spanish. Those were the laziest DVD’s. During the hey day, studios were paying for extra content to be produced just for the DVD. They were releasing films with alternate cuts, so you could choose the theatrical version, or the extended unrated cut. You could watch those deleted scenes, listen to director’s commentary, or maybe even play a game. Especially the ones aimed at kids, had these easy games that were really lame, but made you feel like you really got something for your money. Criterion was loading their DVD’s full of things that cinephiles would love. The sad thing is, none of that was audio described, so older congenitally blind people totally were left out. hell, the counter argument is that they added all that extra shit, but can’t be bothered to put audio description consistently on physical media.
but why not audio intros? Most of the streamers have an “extras” section we can navigate to, and if we knew we could go there, and listen to a broader explanation of the world these characters live in, plus maybe a really detailed description of the main characters, it would allow for all films or series to have a true depth to them that they don’t have now. Currently, films are beholden to their quiet moments between dialog. For films that have very little, we get very little. That’s just the way it is.
Of course, I’m still living in the fantasy world, because our reality is still just like.. will the audio description even travel? Can we even compel a streamer to simply upload existing audio description? Going the extra mile here would be a magic wand thing, for sure, in this current state. It would be hard to do for cinema, since we can’t click on extras while on the big screen, though if we developed an app that had audio description on our own devices with our own headsets so we don’t have to keep wondering if the theater will have working equipment, or if it is good enough, then perhaps in that same app… we could listen to the extras. We could also have audio description for all those damn trailers. Does Hollywood realize they are trying to sell me things I don’t even know what it is to even buy it? what happened to the movie trailer guy? At least in the days of “In a world….”, he usually said the name of the film out loud. Now? It is like playing a guessing game based on films you are aware are in the near future.
So, let’s say you don’t like extras, what else could audio description be? Well, it could be variable. Streamers like Netflix, Apple, and Tubi all currently support variable speeds, and through that they could actually have a system where we could maybe have access to “extended audio description”, which could be a slightly modified version of the film that allows for it to be at a slightly slower speed, but the benefit there would be more verbose audio description.
Amazon also utilizes very specific features where you can get facts about what you are watching while it is on screen. What if there was a command, where we could press a button, and instead of learning more about the cast or whatever, we could get an instant description of what was on screen. i hate to say this could be AI, but it could be. Not as the entire film, but rather like emergency audio description? Like, a panic button of audio description. didn’t quite understand what was happening on screen? Activate the instant description mode, and an AI tool (maybe a little like how e My Eyes has started to use) will attempt to fill in that gap even more. That way, the choice to slow down the film is in your hands. There would still be an AD track, but if you choose to pull the ripcord because there’s a scene you are really curious about, you could activate this thing.
I’ll wave my huge magic wand for you on this one. What if.. and this is total fantasy… we actually had multiple audio description tracks? I spoke with an individual recently who has blindness, but also has some other medical issues, and one of them is that certain things can trigger seizures. They have to be careful about what they listen to. That is super specific, but what if every film had a few narrator choices? That way, if you wanted a film narrated by a male/masculine voice, there’d be that option. if you wanted fa female/feminine voice, that’s there too. Are you really hankering for that UK audio description? We’ll keep that too. hell, we’ll bring you the Australian track as well. Why not? My phone has a ton of voices.
Really, this would just amount to perhaps each company being commissioned I initially to make two tracks, one narrated by a male narrator of choice, and another by a female. but, when we expand this regionally, we could get two out of the UK, two out of Australia, and wherever else. There’s no reason to stop at just English either. And, audio description is relatively inexpensive in the grand scheme of things. probably for the fee Robert Downey Jr is taking to play Dr. Doom in Fantastic Four, we could do this very thing for every new release in a calendar year.
some of what I’ve said is based on existing technology. it just requires application and the desire to actually do the thing I’m suggesting. And it doesn’t stop here. There are so many more things I’d love to say audio description can do and be. It could be required to always list their own credits at the end, instead of some films where we wonder who the hell did the film at all, or we just get a company but no credits. Imagine if we knew all the stuff about who made the audio description just like people get to know who made the food for the film crew. Literally, you find out all these honestly asinine jobs in the credits of the film. Actors have in their own contracts that their own little team gets in, so if you watch a film with a massive cast, like The Avengers films, you see all these stars and their personal assistants, their drivers, personal stylists, etc. Whoever drove Chris Evan’s to and from the set really had a zero carbon imprint on the making of that film. But, he’s in the credits. It’s kinda weird. Meanwhile, we’ll get “Company. Narrated by.” And then told to fuck off.
But like, you just listed all 300 visual effect artists? Who actually mixed the audio description track? Someone did. It didn’t just mix itself. Someone probably wrote the script too. it was probably quality checked. If it turns out I’m wrong, and every time I hear “Deluxe Narrated By Laura Post, and what they actually mean is “Produced by Deluxe, who then made Laura Post write her own script, produce and record her own audio description with the help of no one, then make sure it was mixed well by herself, and then perform quality check on her own work, and even blind quality check by having to watch the whole thing blindfolded” then… I guess? But I just don’t think that’s what’s happening.
Just like everything else, we owe a lot to those people who were there first. The first in space, the first in flight, the first man courageous enough to eat an egg, but we are now beyond that, and we can now have pilotless drones, plan a trip to Mars, and try really hard to make the perfect omelet even though it never will be as good as that one omelet we had that one time.
