Humor Magazine

The Saturday Six: Passive/Aggressive Notes

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss
 saturday six

 We all have that one friend…that one person…who is soooooo passive/aggressive it just kills you. Like they ooze it. You know whenever you engage this person in conversation, you will immediately end up with a headache.

One example of our favorite passive/aggressive things that people do, is when they have a name that is either:

A) Entirely unpronounceable such as: Njkvoighsky (It’s Slovackian)


B) Looks like it could be pronounced one way such as: Smith….but it’s actually pronounced: Smayth

Then they get mad at YOU for not pronouncing it correctly!

If you have a hard last name, understand it maybe pronounced incorrectly. That’s life! Change your name or deal with it. (Unless it’s a direct family member doing the mispronouncing, then you’re entitled to slap them)

Our other favorite example is shown below. Leaving notes.

(The Note Leaver. A new breed of passive/aggressive super hero.)

(Are parenthesis passive/aggressive?)


Happy Saturday!

1. It’s All About The Bass


 BrainRants: Code for, ‘I have to get up sometime tomorrow, so if you think that’s important, you’ll go downstairs and risk your life over this problem.‘  Passive aggressive b***h.

Omawarisan: This situation calls for fighting fire with fire, not a note. If stereo guy is coming in at three, he’s probably really sleeping well about 6:30-7. Rise up, don’t hide!

singlegirlie: Sounds like someone’s looking for treble.

Calahan: At one time, this is a note I would have left. Now that I’m a little older (and, yes, wiser) I know that the best remind myself that we Americans are free to do as we please, listen to whatever music we choose, keep what hours we want. Then, I slash the guy’s tires when I know he’s sleeping. *POP* *HISSSssssss….*

Ned: I think instead of a note, which seems childish, I would’ve taken a more mature approach by rallying my neighbors to all have excruciatingly loud monkey sex every time he closes the door to his apartment.

2. For America… The Beautiful!


 BrainRants: Or better – ‘If you love me, you’d ignore physics and put the seat down… every time.’ Passive aggressive b***h.

List of X: If you replace the toilet paper, more trees will die.
Do you hate the planet?

Omawarisan: How far across the border did the terrorists get while you were writing this note instead of changing the roll?

This also seems a good time to say that every time someone changes a font color for emphasis, a puppy dies. For the love of puppies, stop it.

singlegirlie: Really, there’s no need to lose our heads over this. (Too soon?)

Calahan:  I didn’t realize the terrorists had set the bar so low in terms of winning.

Ned: Terrorism comes in many forms. Anyone who’s been stuck behind someone at Walmart with questionable hygiene knows that not wiping properly is one of them.

3. Thoughtful Dad!


BrainRants: Or, ‘You’re not looking for the camera.  Guess you don’t love me.’  Passive aggressive b***h.

List of X: Judging by this photo, your photography skills suck, so you’re better off without the camera anyway.

Omawarisan: Yes, that’s why people break in to cars and steal cameras – they want to look at the pictures. Well, that and buy crack.

singlegirlie: Aw, man. I wish I’d taken this guy’s camera. The one I stole just had a bunch of dick pics.

Calahan: But what is the name of the duck? You go through all of that trouble to tell a criminal your daughter’s name, but not that of the duck? Are you a monster?

Ned: I don’t really have anything to say about this, other than asking Singlegirlie for my camera back. Oh, and for better results set the viewing screen for “panorama” so you don’t have to scroll.

singlegirlie: On it, Ned. How do I zoom?

Ned: I’ll save you the trouble and just tell you they misspelled “Supercalifragulisticexpialidoious” on the tattoo.

4. Well You Could Have Eaten The Ketchup, If You Didn’t Waste It!



BrainRants: Alternate – ‘I can’t be attracted to a man that doesn’t stand up for his restaurant rights.‘  Passive aggressive b***h.

List of X:Excuse me, may I have a different table?

Omawarisan: Your penmanship is awful. An abbreviation always gets a period at the end. All caps reads like you’re shouting. Shouting gets you nowhere.

singlegirlie: My cat does this to me when he’s hangry, too.

Calahan: Was Servio the name of the waiter? I don’t understand this.

Ned: This is what happens when you let Charles Manson eat out.

5. Is This The Same Restaurant? Because It Really Sucks


BrainRants: <stop><rewind><play> Passive aggressive b***h.

List of X: And next time, bring ketchup, because it’s easier to write in ketchup cursive than to type in onion.

singlegirlie: Next time just eat them and then breathe on the waiter.

Calahan: He sold no onion? Why advertise your failure as an onion salesperson?

Ned: I’m so sorry! I thought you said “no ear hair.” That makes two mistakes on your order!

6. I Spit On Your Grave!


BrainRants: What she meant to say was, ‘You obviously don’t care enough about me to get me my own salad dressing… or drink my spit.’  Passive aggressive b***h.

List of X: Also, I’m trying to maintain the liquid in the jar at same level.

Omawarisan: Last week, I licked your tomatoes. I’d have left a note, but I couldn’t find a pen in your desk.

singlegirlie: I just thought of a brilliant idea. Salad dressing with a combination lock top! Going to make millions, suckas.

Calahan: Well, I just spit on my computer, so take that! Wait… ewww. Why did I do that?

Ned: I hate to think of what he might put in the ranch dressing.


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