Do you know what’s funny?
The World.
Do you know why it’s so gosh darn funny?
Because even when you look around you and everything seems to make sense…it doesn’t. Sometimes if you take a moment to peel back the layers, nothing at all makes sense.
Take for example: Turtle Neck Sweaters.
On the surface, this makes sense. But when you start to really peel back the logic of the Turtle Neck Sweater…it really doesn’t make any sense at all.
Let’s break it down. Before the Turtle Neck Sweater was invented, there had to be a great mass number of people complaining that their neck was cold. Having a cold neck can lead to getting an STD.
What?
It can’t?
OK. Strike that. Having a cold neck does not lead to getting a STD. It just leads to having a cold neck. Now these same people who complained of having a cold neck decided that a simple scarf just would not do.
Why?
Who knows?
Because it’s always slipping off? Because it’s too much work to sling it around your neck? Because it doesn’t match your shoes?
We don’t know.
No one knows.
So the fashion designers got together and essentially sowed the scarf to the top of a sweater.
Problem solved.
And after much debate as to what to call it….besides ridiculous, the Turtle Neck Sweater was born.
But here is the new problem: it chokes, and it’s too hot. It also makes you feel like the next door neighbor in a 70’s sitcom.
Now, even though everyone complains about the Turtle Neck Sweater, people still go out and buy and wear it.
Think about this as well…no technological advancements have been made on the design.
Funny world, isn’t it?
Anyway…
Happy Saturday!
1. The Toothpaste Conundrum
BrainRants: Sooo… stop brushing. Problem solved. You also stop wasting money on buying dinners and drinks in the distant hope of getting lucky.
Omawarisan – Pretty similar to my gas tank. 100 miles from the first 1/4 tank. 100 miles from the second 1/4. 100 miles from the last 1/2.
Ned: That’s because each of my kids immediately squeezes the tube in the middle as hard as they can the moment they open it, then move on to another tube like locust. I’m the only one using the last 10 percent for the next four months.
2. The Dentist Conundrum
BrainRants: Step 1 – Do not go to a dentist with hairy fingers. Step 2 – Preface each answer with a vigorous bite.
Omawarisan: When they come at me with the novocaine needle, why do they always say “little prick”? I don’t know what that has to do with it.
List of X: What business is it of his how often I brush my teeth? That’s private!
Ned: Omawar, you need to ask why your urologist is giving you Novocain.
3. The Potty Conundrum
BrainRants: This is a problem? How else am I supposed to get any peace and quiet to play Candy Crush? Also, pooping is fun.
Omawarisan: Wait. As technology advances so does my age. Maybe that’s it.
Ned: Like Pavlov’s dogs, it’s only a matter of time before the sound of a Candy Crush music makes us have to poo.
4. Using The Word Conundrum A Lot Makes Us Sound Smart
BrainRants: If there were something worth watching on TV, I might just find this funny.
Omawarisan: At what point is it proper to make jabbing motions, like you’re going to stab the signal into the U-Verse box?
Ned: This is why I installed The Clapper on my TV. To change the station all I have to do is clap. The only problem is that I can’t watch any show that has applause.
5. It’s On Our Word-A-Day Calendar In Case You Were Wondering
BrainRants: The avocado stages: Not Yet, Not Yet, Not Yet and Too Late.
Ned: Are we sure the last one isn’t AFTER we’ve eaten it?
6. Tomorrow’s Word Is: Batrachophagous
BrainRants: This is bullshit. All boobs are awesome. Hooray for boobies!
Omawarisan: Hey, HEY! My words are down here.
List of X: And the relationship is reversed when a man is a plastic surgeon.
Ned: I love helping my wife with anything…. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
————————–
MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:
Facebook: Long Awkward Pause
Twitter: @LongAwkPause
Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag
Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic
Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP? Click HERE.
