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Valentine's Day weekend, 2014, my husband and I went to a friend's 40th birthday party. I got out of the car to head to the house and slipped on black ice right behind our vehicle. I shattered my right forearm (radius, and yes I am right-handed). I was on short-term disability for over a month, and when I got back to the office, I tried to get my job done using Dragon to craft emails and slide decks.
Our daughter was in kindergarten and I had volunteered for so much. On top of that, I was a Girl Scout leader. And while I was lying on the couch on Percoset, feeling sorry for myself, only able to scroll my phone with my left hand, a thread was started about me on a then infamous influencer snark site.
I had no style. My fingers were fat, my feet looked waterlogged, and my smile looked too smug. They questioned my marriage and parenting skills, and even one person who lived in the same state shared details from in-person sightings, making me feel as though critical eyes were constantly on us.
For over a year, I was in a cast, sling, or brace. I had multiple procedures and multiple doctors, bone-stimulating machines, and physical therapists to repair my arm. My insurance considered a lot of it to be "elective." I had out-of-pocket medical bills totaling over $20K.
And then a reader suggested Brene Brown's TED Talk.
Brene Brown got me through that very difficult period in life. I slowly walked around the neighborhood while on disability, listening to her audiobooks. When I returned to work, I drove to protect my arm from the Metro crowds and listened to Brene Brown on my commute to and from work. I am so thankful to that reader for introducing me to her 'Man in the Arena' talk, and I continue to be a fan of Brene Brown.
This was not the first time that an author or book entered my life at exactly the right time. So many times over my life, books have given me strength, perspective, knowledge, and the feeling that I wasn't so alone or so unusual. There was the Outlander series, The Artist's Way, The Simple Living Guide, How to Speak Dog, Margaret Atwood, Emily Nagoski, Louisa May Alcott... and this summer, it has been Elin Hilderbrand.
Labor Day Weekend 2023, I had emergency surgery as my retinas "looked like doilies." They performed a sclera buckle on my right eye; my left eye had a few in-office procedures to seal up holes. I had LASIK years ago, and my 20/20 vision went to 20/60 in the right eye and floaters in both. My right eye now looks even more smaller than my right. I am grateful for my 20/60 one-sided vision because everything is slightly curved with a subtle halo, making everything look airbrushed, including my reflection.
While healing the following weeks, I dealt with headaches, I had to wear eye protection, wasn't allowed to drive, and was sensitive to light. I felt so unsteady on my feet. I remember the last Thursday of the month, I finally felt good enough to attend an influencer event. I wore sneakers and a floaty dress that didn't need fancy underpinnings and headed to the Carnegie Library for an event hosted by Apple, where local artists shared their creative processes and how they use iPads.
The event was fun; Kristine Boyd of Flourish Planner led it and we learned how to make cool art and design planners on our iPads and then had the chance to share our work with the audience. My friend Dani (Blonde in the District) was there, and we worked on our art together. Then, we bumped into Barnette (DC Fashion Fool) and took outfit photos for one another. But I felt really off-kilter, and by the time I was in my Uber heading back to the 'burbs, I had a serious headache around my right eye and was trying not to cry.
The next day, my mom died.
The first few months after a parent dies is a LOT. I was the estate executor, though my sister worked as much as I did. The work was a mixed blessing, as it kept me too busy to have time to think and grieve. It's so much paperwork and forms; it takes your deceased loved one and turns them into paperwork and property distribution. Their death is in your face constantly, but also it doesn't feel real.
I needed an escape from forms and phone calls and making difficult decisions. I couldn't read, I couldn't comfortably watch TV, and I couldn't drive anywhere. I renewed my Audible subscription, something I hadn't used since I left Corporate America, and no longer had long periods of time alone in my car.
We decided to start a book club when the group text admitted we were either listening to or wanted to listen to the Britney Spears memoir. I finally renewed my library card, signed up to other available libraries, and became a regular user of the Libby app to fill the time between my Audible credits.
Showers are great for audiobooks. I listened to most of and Julia Fox's while showering. I also got a (the Wave, in orange, it's so cool and I enjoy it so much), and I will do a scenic row while listening to my latest book. I'd bank all my errands for one long day when I am in the car a lot without any passengers. And audiobooks were great when going through my mom's house, organizing paperwork, and packing up items to donate, sell, or inherit.
Using the Libby app, I'd pick totally random novels that were available based on the look of the cover. I didn't research before reading about Libby loans and am not afraid to DNF. And I ended up picking a book by Elin Hilderbrand.
Do you remember when they did a series of Sweet Valley High, but they were ? It was very unsatisfying. Elin Hilderbrand is what we SVH fans wanted and I am so here for it.
Hilderbrand's books take place on Nantucket, which is close enough to where my mom grew up to recognize some names of cities and destinations, but not so close memories come rushing in. The characters are in middle age, and so effing vibrant. Whether they are struggling or successful, they're loved and smart and written about in a complimentary manner.
And I know the minute detail down to the Farrow & Ball color of the walls may annoy some, but I freaking love it, especially in an audiobook. It's like influencing with words instead of images. I often pause the book and whip open Safari to find out more about the flower or wine or author or fashion label or wine Hilderbrand mentions.
While also dealing with perimenopause, Elin Hilderbrand's books gave me hope. Middle age is exactly that; the halfway point in life with many decades left to live life vibrantly, try new things, recreate myself, and also rest and have space to look at the sunset and put my fingers in the dirt and read books and breathe. No hustle culture, no horrific tragedy, but also no fluff. Each book made me think and see things in my life with a fresh perspective.
I never thought Elin Hilderbrand would be my Brene Brown. A decade later, another tragedy and another author came into my life at exactly the right time.
Summer is winding down; it has been almost a year since my mom died. My vision stabilized and I now have glasses to see as well as I did before my retina surgery. We're close to wrapping up my mom's estate (size does not determine level of work, FYI). Wardrobe Oxygen is doing well, my schedule has breathing spots, I got on HRT and no longer feel as though my body is the enemy.
I felt I was ready to get back into "serious" books, but digging into my second acclaimed novel I realized I wasn't as ready as I thought. Grief and healing cannot fit into a calendar, and Elin Hilderbrand has many more novels I have yet to read. While I can read a page far more easily these days, there's something about her audiobooks that gets me. It's not escapism as much as a reminder that this is not the end, this is only the intermission.
