In an interview I read recently, a recording artist claimed she never went to McDonald’s or read Heat because “it’s so bad to be basic”.
Is it?
Basic is an interesting word – so evocative and yet covers a lot of bases. And a lot of basics.
Though I find it yucky, I’m nothing if not a massive hypocrite and have, of course, used it myself here and there. Yet I still puzzle over its meaning. It does seem it’s a byword for poor, or less fortunate, or less cultured or not as well-educated.
Well, I’m calling out all your faux-sophisto drones.
Accusing someone else of being basic is in itself incredo-basic. Use “basic” as a shortcut for poor or uneducated or liking ‘simple’ things? Think that by being ‘extra’ or glamorous, you can escape it?
Beware: the real basic is you.
Hold on to your middle-class ironic jumbo hot dogs; some real talk is heading your way. Here are 33 things that are the true barometer of basic:
1. Congratulating yourself for living in the “cultural melting pot of London”…
…yet moving to some zone 3 wasteland full of white people with Bugaboo prams and a high street stacked with Bill’s, Byron and Pizza Express.
2. Going gluten-free for no apparent reason.
3. Eating a posh burger piled to the ceiling with ironic cheeses and weird sauces called “hickory smoke salsa jus” and paying £15 for the privilege.
4. Thinking that eating junk food is OK as long as it’s served in a series of jars in a place called “Rude Dude Food” and eaten ironically by people with mortgages.
But if you saw a fat person in a tracksuit eating it at a bus stop, of course, that would not be “OK”.
5. Expressing fake angst at having a cleaner.
If it mortifies you that much, give him or her the day off, and when they are cleaning for you, stop trying to “understand” them or talk to them about their lives. They merely want to get on with cleaning your dreary warehouse conversion and GTFO.
6. Walking around Lidl and marvelling at the selection of hors d’oeuvres, trilling: “And so inexpensive!”
Because the word “cheap” chokes you harder than a rent boy during a £50 strangle-wank.
7. Carefully circling anything in Time Out’s “Cheap Eats” or “Secret London!” feature that they run every two weeks.
8. Wincing as you say “grande” or “venti” in Starbucks.
It’s OK, you’re not at school any more; nobody is going to laugh at you for using a word the barista understands.
9. Posting a picture of your Starbucks cup upon which the barista, probably not a native English speaker, has incorrectly spelled your no-doubt-basic name.
starbucksspelling.tumblr.com10. Signing petitions against Starbucks.
Even though your “local independent coffee shop” is staffed by the rudest people you have ever met in your entire life.
11. Claiming you’re “off carbs”.
Usually while clutching your tiny hips or your 24″ waist and telling people how fat you are.
12. Pretending “American carnival food” is in any way an acceptable – or real – culinary genre.
13. Dismissing Eurovision as kitsch or “gay Christmas”.
14. Sitting on the same machine at the gym for half an hour or leaving your towel there like some kind of territorial fox piss.
15. Calling secondhand clothes “vintage”.
Like there is some weird shame about shopping in charity shops. But no, of course, it’s OK when you do it; you’re not a “povvo”.
16. Calling someone a “chav” or “povvo”.
17. Labelling anything a “guilty pleasure”.
18. Thinking you’re any better than anyone else just because your favorite magazine has only three lines of text in it and a print run of 77.
And, yes, it may be printed on ‘vintage’ (old) paper and fold out into a hexagon, but a copy of Now is easier to read on the bus, which I’m sure you take ironically every now and again.
19. Forgetting the entry code for your gym and having to look it up on your phone.
20. Demanding an end to gentrification the very second you move to an area that attracted you only because it has itself been massively gentrified.
You’re frightened there won’t be at least one takeaway or grotty corner shop you can’t enjoy ironically.
21. Saying, “Get in the sea”.
22. Mentioning gin in your Twitter bio.
23. Reappropriating traditionally working-class junk food like a Scotch egg or a sausage roll and making it organic or 100% meat and then flogging it on a stall at some bullshit market.
24. Watermarking a meme so it won’t be stolen.
Then stealing a meme.
25. Dismissing a genuine debate or argument as a “Twitterstorm” in an attempt to devalue it or shut it down.
Twitter can be stupid, hysterical, myopic and incredibly reactionary, but sometimes it is right, you basic moron.
26. Retweeting trolls.
It’s the new retweeting praise, but now with added “u ok hun?”
27. Doing somewhere up for a “buy-to-let”.
28. Krispy Kremes “in the usual place” in the office.
Extra points for making a big show of eating one because it’s “naughty” or “trashy” or a “carb overload” like anyone would care if you burst into flames right now.
29. “Bring me bacon.”
30. Stopping going to bars or restaurants because they’re “too popular” now.
God forbid you would do something you actually enjoy and risk looking uncool or out of touch.
31. Screenshotting people less attractive or eloquent than you on Tinder.
32. Laughing at people who go on Jeremy Kyle.
Or indeed being Jeremy Kyle.
33. Slating any article that features a list and bemoaning they’re “killing journalism”.
Or boring everyone senseless with your excellent musings about the “BuzzFeedification” of popular culture.
(Basic is not a thing. Just be who you are and mind your own business.)
More like this:
– 12 things you do that scream “thirsty”
– 29 social media truths we’d never say out loud
– 31 things you will see people do on dating apps
– Yesbasicgays proves oversharers don’t care who’s watching – even the bullies
Image: Flickr
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