In her Motherlode blog for The New York Times, Cara Paiuk talks about the one word you should never say after I love you. Yes you guessed it, it’s the “but” word. The valid point that Ms. Paiuk makes is that when someone says I love you followed by “but”, they are essentially negating, dismissing, minimizing or even insincerely expressing their feelings of love.
Think about it, if your partner said this to you, what would you hear- the part about loving you or the negating part that comes after? Apparently Ms. Paiuk’s spouse asked her to substitute “and” for “but” and this made all the difference. Who knew one little word change could make so much difference? Well, it can.
Whenever a couple comes in to see me for the first time, their chief complaint is “a problem with communication.” This is illustrated here. What we say and how we say it can covey many different things, regardless of our intent. Every good therapist works with this and helps a couple to make little shifts like this because they can make all the difference.
Remember to watch your “but” use when asking your significant for something, bringing up a difficult issue that needs to be discussed or even registering a request or complaint. Make sure that what they hear is an unconditional “I love you”- even if their behavior is driving you nuts or they did something thoughtless or stupid. If they know you are coming from a place of love they will HEAR what you need to tell them and be open to accepting it.
