For anybody who isn't a mummy, mommy guilt is an almost constant feeling that plagues mothers, niggling in our minds telling us that we aren't quite doing our best, and our poor child is suffering because we just aren't quite good enough. It's something I experience a lot, and I know my mommy friends do as well.It's pretty rare to hear a mommy say "I did a great job today! I'm a great mummy!" Instead, what I hear from my mommy friends is about how they could be doing better, and their apologies for things they feel are a sign that they are slacking as a mommy - maybe baby's hands and face are dirty after eating, maybe their hair isn't brushed (I know about that one!). Many mummies have mommy guilt because they go out to work. Mostly, us mummies just don't feel that we are doing a good enough job, and that any problems our little ones encounter are absolutely our fault - which is very ego-centric of us!
And I know all about it. Last week, my mommy guilt came in terms of Isabelle's sleep. We were away all week so it's only natural that her sleep would be disturbed, but when it was and she was then exhausted and grumpy with Simon's parents, I felt the guilt. It must be my fault she hadn't slept well - maybe I disturbed her too much during the night (we mainly co slept while away), maybe she had been too hot in the hotel/at Simon's parents and hadn't been able to get comfortable. Whatever it was it was definitely my fault that she didn't sleep so well. Which meant it was my fault when she was grumpy, and gave us all a horrible day, so of course Simon's parents lost out on a day of fun with her because of it (because of me).
Now, anyone reading that will probably think (as I do now) that is ridiculous. It's only natural that her sleep was disturbed when we were somewhere strange, and after 4 days of running around London and travelling, no wonder she was tired and grumpy! Simon's parents have raised two children and know exactly how babies can be. Logically speaking, it was not at all my fault. But mommy guilt made me feel otherwise.
Then, I had my mommy guilt about her eating, while we were away she didn't eat as well. She had lots of little snacks rather than eating well at meal times, and so didn't eat much at those meal times. Her snacks were obviously terrible for her - cranberries (too sugary!), carrot oat bars (too processed!) and puffits (no nutrition!). At meal times she picked at bread and meat, and barely touched her vegetables - mommy guilt tells me that if she gets sick soon it's because of that.
Again, logically speaking, I know that's all silly. The snacks she had would be considered healthy and nutritious (maybe not the puffits?), and since she still gets lots of milk, she was getting all her vitamins that way instead of through her veg. But mommy guilt made me feel otherwise!
And since we were away with no washing facilities, we used disposable inserts in our cloth nappy outers. Isabelle ended up with nappy rash, which must be my fault for deciding to be lazy and use the disposable inserts. Of course, the nappy rash was tiny, and cleared up after one cream application so she was fine....but mommy guilt made me feel otherwise!Then, there is the problem of having so many friends who are mummies! As much as I love them all, when we talk I can't help but think "I don't do that!" and the mommy guilt kicks in again - I'm not just a bad mummy, I'm the worst mummy! Poor Isabelle, lumbered with such a poor excuse for a mother.
My daughter is a happy, healthy, smily girl who managed to charm half of London as we whizzed around. She is bright and chatty, and loves to be looking at things and learning, and up on her feet and walking. We go out to lots of groups, see lots of people and do lots of activities at home and out to help develop her. I've decided that breastmilk, home cooked meals, baby led weaning, no sugar, no TV, babywearing and cloth nappies are things that will help keep her as healthy as possible. She isn't perfect, but she's not far off it in my eyes. But yet, when mommy guilt kicks in, I look at her and see how every little imperfection is my fault, how I could do better for her, and how I've let her down by making those choices for her.
And, I think that is the hardest thing of all about being a mommy. It's not the 3am wake up calls, or the grumpy days when you want to shut her in a soundproof room, it's not the never having a minute to myself, or the sore shoulder I get when we co-sleep. It's the feeling of almost perpetual guilt I have that I could be doing better for her, that I am not doing my best and I'm failing her. My logical brain knows that I am being silly most often, but my mommy guilt is a strong force, maybe even the strongest force in the universe.
Do you ever suffer from mommy (or daddy!) guilt?
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