Entertainment Magazine

The Pirate Movie (1982)

Posted on the 06 June 2014 by Buttercup2k @ButtercupX
Who else had the desire to see this today? Just me then?
Given the absolute magic that was Xanadu and The Apple its understandable the appeal to create fantastical '80s musicals meshing fashion and sound, cartoon humor with knowing winks to the audience. So some filmmakers in Australia decided to try their hand at something everyone in the 80s was begging for - a big splashy rendition of the Pirates of Penzance.
The obvious observation out of the gate is giving this film the award for laziest title ever.  We couldn't name it Pirates of Penzance?  How did that producers meeting go?
Producer 1: Its called Pirates of Penzance and its a musical. People like both of those things, right?
Producer 2: People won't know what they're getting! We need to give it a more hip, more contemporary title! We're calling it The Pirate Movie until we think of something else."
At this point in my blog I give a quick recap of the plot. To this one, I say, if you have to ask, then this movie just isn't for you.  You walk in blind and let it dress your brain up in ruffles.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)How much sense does this movie make? Absolutely none. None at all.
I had to link the 80s-tastic opening credits. Somewhere Gilbert and Sullivan are shaking their heads and saying, "Don't put our names on this."
The film doesn't try for seriousness, in fact it tries for lightheartedness in the way that surgeons try to save patients lives after near fatal car accidents.   Basically, if you're not making a goofy face on frame, then you're not doing your job...
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)"Okay, we wanted this scene to show you've got muscles, but how will the audience know we're being funny?"
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982) Maybe its just this movie was made in a different time, but there was some weirdly sexual scenes included that were played up for laughs.  The '80s synth music just made it more upsetting.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982) The scenes start out innocently enough...
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)But what you're missing is the weird grunty sex noises Kristy McNichol makes while Pirate John Tesh flexes his muscles.
This scene also got the Ick Medal... THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982) (shifts uncomfortably, looks down at phone....)
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)"We've got a big goofy song and dance number going on...but the audience might not understand its funny. Get me a silly face!"
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)This is our villain. He's hilarious. At least according to the director who kept making him do these faces. Espescially during song and dance numbers.
Maybe you're asking yourself, "So much dignity left at the door. How low could they go?"
Oh, they went low. Low, like the bottom of the sea.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)Kristy McNichol sings a song called "Pumpin' and Blowin..."
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982) ...while the guy from Blue Lagoon did a weird awkward dance with animated fish.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)No one asked for this, but they gave it to us anyway.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)(shifts uncomfortably in my chair, stares at phone)
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)"Chris, this scene is funny and all but you know what would take it to the next level? Make that funny face!"
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)I guess an important part of the plot is that our hero can't go out on his own and be independent from the Pirates of Penzance because he was born on a leap year and is therefore only 5 years old. I've filed this story twist away in THINGS TO NEVER USE IN A SCRIPT.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)There's a lot of music that is used in this. Some of it is from the original opera, some of it from a songwriter based in LA that had a "lost weekend*" style writing session when coming up with these songs.
*This infers that there's a songwriter who did a lot of illegal substances in hopes of touching the mind of God while creating these songs. This is never the way to do it.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)During this 90 minute music video, there was a music video that had this romantic montage...
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982) ...with scenes that couldn't have possibly happened, because there was no time in this film's timeline. Perhaps I am a stickler for the rules of space and time.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)"Kristy, you clearly understand the hilarious undertones of hiding out in a knight costume are all dependent on your goofy face. You'll have to teach Chris..."
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)Have you discovered your movie is funny, but could be funnier? Gather together the largest group of Keystone Cops possible and watch things really take off.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)This is not photoshop. During a swordfight, our hero picks up a lightsaber and waved it around. Clearly our movie was not expecting people to sit this far into it.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)The big finale was a high school production of Pirates of Penzance set in one of the chaperone's yard.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)People are playing along, but you can tell everyone who went to Julliard in this lineup is regretting everything espescially not going to that networking meeting where all those Broadway producers showed up.
But none of this matters. You know why?
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)Because it was all a dream.
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)Happy endings all around.
And well done to the casting directors who picked the love interests to look like fraternal twins.
(uncomfortably shifts, stares at phone when realizes the implications of that reality).

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By Gary Simon
posted on 24 January at 18:39

This is indeed a silly, over the top, nonsence, comdey musical. But, it made as much sence as this review. Which, was not really a review at all, but more a bag on a few screen grabs. Some of the musical numbers are actually pretty good too. "We are the Pirates" is still one of my favorite pirate songs. It helps if you were actually a yound teen ager at the time, Kristy and Chris were very big then. The movie is as much a spoof of Pirates of Penzance as anything else. But, this was no worse than all the Lesli Neilson films of the time. Naked Gun, Airplane, or even the Police Academy films. This is still a fun film to watch, for a day when one wants to recall thier 80's childhood, or look into what passed for 80's humor in film.