The Perfect Poly Person is in all of us who start exploring polyamory.
Polyamorous ‘perfection’?
It’s this future ideal, inspired by the scripts presented to us about polyamory (many of them, common misconceptions), that we aspire to and try on for size in a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of way. The PPP is that glossy poster-worthy role model for How Polyamory Should Be.
Like the gender-specific scripts of the Good Girl and the Nice Guy, the PPP is an extension of that “you must be perfect, you must be good, you must be nice” voice that internally critiques our actions. And, we each create our own unique PPP based on what we are told polyamorous relationship perfection looks like, and what we aspire our relationships to be. Basically, the PPP is that kid in school who turned up in grade 5 wearing a 3-piece suit because they were convinced they were grown up- but really they were afraid to be a kid who tumbles and falls in the dirt.
Here’s some beliefs I’ve noticed my inner PPP holds:
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“I told everyone I’m polyamorous, guess I better stick to that now- no jumping ship!”
I don’t experience jealousy, nope not me.
- I don’t compare myself to others.
- If I don’t acknowledge the way my metamor makes me feel insecure, everything will work out okay.
- I need to be dating more people or I’m not doing poly right.
- I have to give everyone equal time or I’m not being fair to them.
- It would be selfish and inconsiderate for me to express what I want.
- That messed up situation wasn’t my fault, it’s their fault for doing poly wrong.
- If I own my responsibility in this messed up situation, it’s going to make me look like I’m a bad person, cos I did poly wrong.
- I told everyone I’m polyamorous, now I better stick to that!
- Even though this arrangement isn’t that convenient for me, I’m going to go along with it anyway cos I don’t want to cause a disruption to everyone else’s life.
- If my poly relationships end, that means I’m a failure, so I’m just going to keep them all going, even if they aren’t inspiring me.
- I’m not sure my partner is really poly, so I’m just not going to tell them about all the other relationships that are developing for me- that could scare them away.
The inner Perfect Poly Person likes to rewrites things to avoid taking responsibility for the fuck ups, and is a master of emotional bypassing and passive communication. Sometimes our PPP doesn’t want to have those difficult conversations with exes because to do so would involve acknowledging that we have fucked up just as much as the other person, and aren’t that role model for non monogamy we’d like to be.
The PPP can silence us- not just to our partners, but to ourselves. We so easily find ourselves intoxicated in relationships, being in love with the idea of the relationship more than the person themselves, and when flaws begin to show up, rather than rock the boat, we shut up and keep rowing, sometimes cramming as many other people onto the sinking ship as we can.
The PPP blames others for the mistakes in relationships and never takes on shared responsibility where it’s due. How often have you heard of a relationship breakdown where all the blame is placed on someone else? Even some of the best regarded writers in polyamory have shared their personal stories of breakups and bypassed their own degree of responsibility. As my dad might remind me, it takes two- at least- to tango.
None of us want to hurt or harm others. But sometimes, in moments of selfish idiocy, we do. The PPP shows up in some of those moments, and in their desire to Be Perfect, can disrupt not just our own lives, but the lives of others. And usually, it’s because the PPP wants to deny the shadow-side of the emotional spectrum, it doesn’t want to admit to any fears, to any sense of loneliness, or to any anger. And, that’s problematic, especially when you consider that denying these three emotions is one of the most common triggers for betrayls within relationships, and the ideal that polyamory is seeking is an open, honest, consensual approach to non-monogamy, one that hinges heavily on the degrees of trust between everyone.
In summary, when your inner Perfect Poly Person is running the show, you’re showing up as a set of expectations for yourself and who you think you need to be, rather than as the wonderful, genuine, beautifully flawed You.
So, what do we do?
First of all, I think we need to have some compassion for ourselves. It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to be imperfect. As far as I know, there’s no dissertation committee waiting to asses us on our successes and failures in relationships, let alone poly relationships.
Here’s some things I’ve taken to reminding myself on a regular basis:
- It’s OKAY to screw up- as long as you can own it and be willing to talk about it.
- It’s okay to have conflict in relationships. In fact, a healthy conflict process is a worthy goal for long term relationships, and far preferable to cycles of hostile dependence or conflict avoidance.
- It’s okay to have illogical and unreasonable desires- and it’s better to give voice to them (disclaimers of irrationality included) than to suppress them. Yes! You have permission to ask for what you want! You might not get it, but you sure as heck can negotiate around it and find ways to have your needs, wants and desires met!
- It’s okay to feel that something has changed in a relationship and to talk about it.
- It’s okay to fall out of love, and it’s okay for the love you feel to change and morph- give yourself permission to talk about it when that happens.
What I’ve found, is that, when we embrace our own vulnerability and share that with our trusted friends and lovers, the inner PPP has no choice but to surrender and melt. It’s still there, a whisper in the background- and I think I’m okay with that.
Perhaps ironically, I remind my inner PPP that the perfection is in the imperfection, that it’s wise to stay humble, remembering that I don’t have all the answers- that none of us do- and this sense of humility and vulnerability is actually the ‘perfect’ way to go about having relationships, because it gives us permission to show up as our genuine, imperfect selves, and maybe even be loved for who we are in the moment, rather than the impossible ideal we are desperately trying to become.
