Humor Magazine

The Long Awkward St. Patrick’s Day Review

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

I’m trying to type quietly because I want to die.  In a burst of corporate largesse, Howard flipped me the LAP Corporate Black Card.  He commissioned me and De Voss to conduct holiday research on St. Patrick’s Day from a Boston pub crawl perspective.  What follows are my notes, made along the way.  Enjoy.  I’m going off to dessicate…

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DAY 01: ENROUTE FROM BOSTON – My first entry, done on this flight to Dublin, Ireland.  No idea what happened to De Voss.  He arrived in Boston in rainbow-colored shorts and a New York Yankees tee shirt.  The last thing I remember him saying was, “But the earring makes me look gangsta, bitch,” to some guy named Southie (?).  After De Voss vanished I seized the initiative and decided to go to the source!  I’m having hair of the dog, on the card of course, and the flight attendant – I believe – thinks we’re engaged.  Poor Steven; whatever keeps the booze coming.

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DAY 03: Dublin is awesome!  I told the cabbie to take me to a pub for St. Patrick’s Day.  Not sure where he dropped me, but these Irish are really nice and hospitable.  They apparently don’t celebrate this holiday, but I filled them in and they all bought me pints.  Although I explained that they drove on the wrong side of the road, they patted me on the head and said, “There’s a buggered up Yank.”  I think that means we’re bros.  In every new pub, I apparently have to explain my family tree, but I’ve proven that I’m Irish, apparently.

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DAY 04: I lost track of sunraise, or whatever.  Molly – my new tour guide – said it was today.  We visited five pubs.  Everyone seems to know her, and not a soul has given her crap about her nose hair.  Nobody there knew about St. Patrick’s, but a big guy with a frowny face asked if “I be speakin’ ill o’ the blessed saints.”  I told him no, I might be a Raiders fan but I’d never talk shit about anyone who won the super bowl since the Raiders’ last win.

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DAY 5:  What is a pint?  Why is the sun so bright here in Ireland?  I cannot find Molly, or my wallet.  Good thing the corporate card was in my front pocket because I need a drink.  Pint.  Whatever.  Have successfully worked my way four blocks up the road of pubs I started on after Shannon Airport. I think it was six or seven more pubs.  I need to know what they call motrin here.  Also wonder about the names of these places.  ‘The Bloody Brit,’ and ‘Hare on the Hog’ make me wonder.  Why name a pub for Britney?

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DAY six:  fckucking computer.  Keys sticky.  Tshis is liek typntg with a hammer.  Four more pubs, no idea here about snaint patrica or cloveras.  Need to find molly cause it bruns when I pee and I have quesitions.  Ian is my new bff.  He will help me findher.

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Seven or 8; hoeward keeps calllig but I don’t udnersnatdn him.  Three pusb toyda.  Fell sick.  I cnat see to tyep.  Hoew maany pubbbbbbs ar in eyrladn?    Molly   boooobs

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Ni9e a;l ; jfi fmkoa;o l0394 lvmk polksf;l; dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd pfsadlkmv!

Log Entry Addendum found in Rants' pocket by a constable.

Log Entry Addendum found in Rants’ pocket by a constable.

Teeeeeeeen hi constable what doe tha mean?  Ima Irish.


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