Humor Magazine

The LAP Guide to Valentine’s Day

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we like to think of ourselves as a full-service organization.  At least that’s what our manager, Howard, says when he tells us to get him coffee.  In the spirit of spreading that special Valentine’s Day feeling, the staff put together a short list of V-Day gifts that will give your objet de l’amour a true long, awkward pause.


A ball gag and handcuffs.  Nothing says, “Fifty shades of Freaky” like this one.  If you want to be extra-special, hand this to him/her during your V-Day date at White Castle and say, “I’ll put extra quarters in the vibrating bed back at the motel.”


Novelty toilet paper.  Nothing is secret between two people truly in love.  Make those quasi-private moments more special with a roll printed with your favorite candy heart sayings.  You’ll be on your S.O.’s mind – and other important parts – every time they poop for at least a week.


Any appliance.  Not the battery-powered kind here, people.  Get your minds out of the gutter.  Rather, we believe anyone would appreciate a good stand mixer, vacuum or perhaps a power miter box chop saw… hint.


Weight Watcher’s gift certificate.  Nobody could call your interest in your partner’s health a bad thing.  This gift will let them know you care about them, inside and out.  For an extra ‘oomph’ behind this one, pair it with a gym membership to drive your point home.


An STD.  Sharing is caring, and a scorching case of the clap will definitely put the “VD” in Valentine’s Day.  Conservative lovers can aim for the curables.  There are a wide selection of creams and topical ointments these days to keep this manageable.


Edible underwear.  This gift will send that unmistakable message you need, the one that says, “Let’s take a walk downtown, baby.”  Personalize this by selecting a flavor amenable to your partner.  We’ve located “Cherry Pop,” “Fresh Pine,” and “Beef Jerky.”  However, bacon is universally loved.


Divorce papers.  This nifty little shocker will put a smile on at least half of the faces in your relationship.  Also, if done right, you can hook a bro/sis up in the future by forever ruining V-Day for those who come after you.


Meat.  Not recommended for Vegans, of course, but a choice that is sure to please most partners.  Chicken is viewed as cheap and tacky, while beef and pork depend on the cut selected.  No matter the choice, it’s also a great setup for a sure-fire nudge/wink joke that will lead to adult fun times.  Baloney and sausage add a visual reinforcement to this concept.


A plant.  Cut flowers die and fade, and they’re so cliché.  Instead, pick out a lovely succulent, because you want your special person to know you find them… succulent.  A cactus works too, and sets up witty whispers like, “I want give you a hundred little pricks tonight,” which sets us up for the last suggestion…


Your Bestie(s).  Again, sharing is caring, and you can swing for the fence with this idea.  In some cases, more friends are better.


Good luck and have a Happy, Long, and Awkward Valentine’s Day.

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