What is this shit?
The Lowdown: Pain & Gain is a contemptible, reprehensible, vile, vulgar, disturbing, narcissistic, nihilistic film that provided me with one of the most uncomfortable film experiences I’ve ever had. This was a film that had potential and looked like it could be a step in the right direction for Bay (read: it was a low-budget, true crime story instead of a bloated blockbuster about toy robot aliens). However, almost all of the usual Bay-isms are still present and just as annoying and insipid as ever, making the film damn near intolerable. Michael Bay, please just give it a rest.1. The Plot: Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) is a fitness trainer in Miami who has a distorted view of the American Dream. “I believe in fitness,” is what he tells us. We learn that Lugo can bench 400 and that he is rising fast in the ranks at his local gym. Then he meets Victor Kershaw (an overacting Tony Shalhoub), a wealthy, smarmy, egotistical businessman. Kershaw seems to be rolling in the dough but never seems like he does anything except brag about how much he has. As a result, Lugo becomes dissatisfied with the fact that how much he makes doesn’t correlate with how much hard work he puts in. Lugo then hatches a plan to kidnap Kershaw and have Kershaw sign away the rights to all of his property. To do this, Lugo recruits Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson) to assist him in his scheme. However, what seemed like an easy job goes sour quick as greed and general incompetence take their toll.
2. The Characters: Michael Bay has this annoying habit of taking big-name actors and squandering their potential to deliver a good performance. It always seems like in every Bay film, characters are sweatily overacting and doing or saying things that are completely unrealistic and out of character. Mark Wahlberg (The Departed, Shooter) is Daniel Lugo, the film’s completely unlikable protagonist. Lugo is totally deluded about the concept of “the American Dream”, which I suppose is the point of the film. However, he does so many despicable things in the film that it is impossible to feel even remotely sympathetic towards him. Oh, so he worked so hard and got so fit but still isn’t as rich as Victor Kershaw? Boo hoo. Mark Wahlberg overacts wildly in this film, which makes him come across as more annoying than convincing. The same goes for Anthony Mackie (The Adjustment Bureau, Gangster Squad), who plays Adrian, one of Lugo’s partners in crime and the film’s token black guy. As the token black guy in a Michael Bay film, Adrian is played for laughs. He has taken so many steroids in order to beef up that he now suffers from erectile dysfunction. He also conveniently can’t swim. Obviously, this movie was written by racists. Even worse, he also sucks at being a criminal.
Don't ask.
Even Dwayne Johnson (Fast Five, Snitch) can’t turn in a decent performance, and he usually does. It is because Johnson can’t overact; he never phones a performance in, but he is better at playing stern, serious characters. As Paul Doyle, an ex-convict who found Jesus, he does an awful lot of preaching throughout the film. He also happens to be one of the world’s worst criminal, making mistakes right and left which eventually lead to disaster. He also does an awful lot of cocaine, which impairs his judgment and makes him even more of an inept criminal. Sadly, the character strung out on coke is just another excuse for Dwayne Johnson to overact all over the place. Alas, the epic overacting award goes to Tony Shalhoub (Monk), who mugs up a storm as Victor Kershaw. Kershaw, being a shady businessman, is snarky and conceited, and delivers such classic lines as “You know who invented salad? Poor people!” He seems to be just as hate-able as the rest of the characters until he is kidnapped and tortured horribly by the bodybuilding trio. Even though he is the victim here, he remains unlikable as he continues to act like a raging douche-nozzle for the rest of the film. So is there anyone to root for here?
Hamming it up.
Yes, you can root for Ed DuBois, played by Ed Harris (Pollock, The Rock). Ed DuBois is the semi-retired detective who takes the case after the police inexplicably disbelieve Kershaw’s story about the kidnapping and extortion. He isn’t in the film much, but he puts the police on the right track into solving the crime. Ed Harris’ performance is the only subdued performance in the film, meaning that it is the best performance by default. His character is the only character that seems both realistic and likable. There are side characters too, most notably Rebel Wilson (Pitch Perfect) as a nurse who works for a doctor specializing in “penis dysfunction”. Through her job, she meets and falls in love with Adrian. Her character also provides relatively decent comic relief, mainly because she has natural comic talent and can pull off such humor.3. Bay-isms: a) Crappy Comedy: In his review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), Myveryownwalrus wrote:
“Michael Bay must figure he's one heck of a comedian. I realize he doesn't actually write his movies, but the style of humor that he's become so infamous for is so pervasive throughout all of his films, that it's almost impossible that he has nothing to do with it.”
Indeed, Michael Bay’s humor is prevalent throughout Pain & Gain, mostly in the form of off-putting, crass dialog and crude situations which range from cringe-inducing to plain uncomfortable. For instance, when Lugo moves into Kershaw’s house, he invites the neighbors’ kids over to shoot hoops and hang out. Lugo then proceeds to play basketball with these pre-teen kids in a ferocious manner, telling one kid to “man up” when he knocks him down to make a basket. Lugo also sets a bad example when Doyle and his stripper girlfriend show up, and Lugo asks the kids if they want something like that. Role model of the year, ladies and gentlemen. But wait, there’s more! When Kershaw is kidnapped, he is taken to what is presumably an abandoned adult store that sells lots of sex toys. A pointless and extended scene involves Dwayne Johnson’s character bumbling around and being disturbed by the various sex toys available. Indeed, some of them are truly horrifying, but none of it is even remotely funny and could probably cause hives through prolonged exposure. And please don’t get me started on the scene where Lugo makes an attempt to become an outstanding citizen by holding a neighborhood watch meeting. All I can say is that this scene goes WAY too far and could very well be the worst and most pointless scene in the entire film. Unsurprisingly, it is also not funny. Really, why is this shit in the film, and how can it be funny when it is so vulgar? This kind of crass humor also feels incredibly out of place in a true crime film. If this sort of stuff was found in Bad Boys (1995), a buddy cop film also set in the sun-drenched streets of Miami, then it would have been more acceptable. But in a film about guys who brutally kidnap, torture, and steal to fuel their own egos? Not so much.
b) Misogyny: I mentioned before how black people are treated as objects of humor and portrayed as one-dimensional stereotypes. However, that is nowhere near as offensive as how women are treated in this film. According to Pain & Gain, every woman in Miami looks like a flawless supermodel. Those that don’t are barely seen on screen except to be used as a front for jokes. For instance, there is a scene where two unsightly, fat girls are exercising at the gym, looking totally dopey in their exercise outfits. Rebel Wilson is the only non-supermodel-looking female character who gets a decently-sized role. However, she ends up being the one who marries the black guy. But back to the supermodels. So what, you say? They’re just eye candy for the audience. While this may be true, why are so many of the female characters in the film either ditzy strippers or sleazy hookers? The film makes a point by stating that Lugo let strippers have gym memberships for free, which allows for many shots of incredibly hot women in bikinis at the gym pool. There is even a scene where a trio of women in skimpy gym outfits tries to seduce the gym manager through his office window. Again, why is this shit necessary?
How much do you want to bet that there's a sign on the studio door that says "No fat chicks"?
Probably the best example of the reprehensible misogyny in this film is the character of Sorina Luminita, played by Bar Paly. Sorina illegally immigrated from Bucharest or something and became a stripper. She is seduced by Lugo with promises of “being in a movie”, and she soon becomes Lugo’s sex object. At one point, she becomes fed up with Lugo’s false promises, but he somehow convinces her that he is a CIA agent, and not a film producer. Fool me once, shame on you, etc. Afterwards, she becomes Doyle’s sex object, and she seems totally clueless and all right with it. That’s just great. If you are repulsed by any of the above, then you are at least partially sane.
And feminism marches on...
The Bottom Line: Pain & Gain is all pain, no gain, and one of the worst films I have ever seen. I sat in that theater cringing for two hours, and when I left, I felt dirty. This film may not seem like a Michael Bay film on the surface, but believe me, it is in every sense. In fact, it could even be worse than any of his big, bloated blockbusters because the content is so egregiously vulgar and the characters are so loathsome. The film claims to portray a cynical view of “the American Dream”, but this whole concept goes over our heads as the film devolves into a series of annoyances punctuated by disturbingly crude content. The content is so ugly that even the vibrant, oversaturated color palette and variety of camera tricks and angles can’t conceal them. Even though the film is only a little over two hours long, it still feels overlong and overstuffed. Michael Bay, even with a low budget, you are still the master of cinematic excess and cinematic crap.
Pain & Gainis property of Paramount Pictures, De Line Pictures, and Platinum Dunes. This review was written by me.
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