The Lowdown: Wow, a remake of a Japanese horror film. And it’s absolute garbage. Who would have guessed?
1. The Plot: A series of mysterious deaths are found to be linked to phone messages that the victims received prior to their demise. The phone messages are recordings of the last few seconds of their lives. When a couple of Beth’s (Shannyn Sossamon) friends die, she discovers the link between their deaths and the phone messages. Jack (Edward Burns), a detective, also finds that the death of his sister is linked, and he and Beth team up to uncover the mystery behind the killer phone messages. This plot seems interesting on paper, but the filmmakers make it as boring as possible. Almost nothing in the film makes sense. What is this mysterious supernatural force that’s creating killer phone messages? Who knows? Why is it targeting this select group of people? Who knows? Oh, and when people die, why does an orange marble appear in their mouths? Who knows, and really, who cares? And then, when the truth is finally revealed, it makes even less sense. This is one of those cases where the evil supernatural thing frustratingly has no real motivation for killing and no real reason for existing. It has something to do with a neglected child that died and now wants revenge, but why killer phone messages? Can I get an explanation please? It couldn’t just possess people and cause them to commit suicide like other Japanese supernatural horror clichés? Oh, wait, this is the American remake, so of course it has to be crappier than the Japanese original.
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2. The Characters: While the characters in One Missed Call are about as dull as the handle of a butter knife, the acting in the film is a lot better than the material calls for. Given the reputation One Missed Call has for being arguably the worst of the Asian horror remakes (heck, it might have even killed the subgenre), the performances in it are better than I expected (not that it means much since I had no expectations for this film). Shannyn Sossamon (A Knight’s Tale) turns in a decent performance as Beth, given that she doesn’t seem to be totally phoning it in. Still, she is a stock character, just like all of the other characters, meaning that there is pretty much zero character development. We’re just supposed to like the characters because we’re aware that they may die. How cheap and lazy is that? The other problem is that although the acting is halfway decent, the rest of the film is terrible, so it’s almost distracting how much better the acting is than everything else. Again, that’s not saying a whole lot.3. PG-13: Seriously, One Missed Call is one of the worst PG-13 horror films ever, probably only topped by The Apparition. It’s so watered-down that any attempt to be serious or edgy just comes across as flat. This is one of those films where many of the deaths happen off screen, which would be fine if 1) we cared about the characters, and 2) there was any tension at all. But that’s not all. The PG-13 rating apparently also doesn’t allow blood, because blood shouldn’t be seen by people under the age of 13. Every death scene is bloodless, which makes no sense in some of the cases. One character dies when she gets hit by a train, but when they show her body, it is fully intact, and there is no blood anywhere. What the heck? Another character dies when an explosion sends a metal rod through his chest. Again, there is no blood, and it really removes much of the impact of the scene and takes the viewer out of the film. Even the visual effects are super crappy, as if every element in this film had to sacrifice quality in the name of inanity. On the box cover is this creepy image of a person with two screaming mouths in place of her eyes. It’s a bit disturbing, but this thing only shows up in the film for all of two seconds. Why even bother promoting it then if it’s not going to be part of the film? And if it was going to be promoted, why not include more of it? That’s cheating the viewer, dammit!
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But back to visual effects. There is one scene where the characters stumble across this icky baby in a crib. There is goopy vomit everywhere, but it’s blackened, probably to permit with PG-13 standards, and probably to disguise how awful the effects are. The baby is obviously CGI, and it has this disgusting face that tries so hard to be creepy that it’s hilarious. The kicker: the baby is also clutching a cellphone for no reason. Again, I fail to see the point of this.
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The Bottom Line:I think that One Missed Call killed the Japanese remake horror subgenre, and thank God for that. It is, quite simply, a terrible, terrible film. Every aspect of the film is just nauseating to think about. Nothing about the story makes any sense, and trying to make sense of any of it is both a waste of time and an inducer of migraines. Characters are cardboard cutouts, delivering insipid dialog and doing nothing of interest except making stupid decisions. One of the characters gets so freaked out by her killer phone message that she goes on a reality show with a fake exorcist who will get rid of the supernatural thing, but not really. One Missed Call is also a case study on why PG-13 horror films don’t work. The bottom line: This movie is ass. Watch The Orphanage instead.One Missed Call is property of Alcon Entertainment, Missed Call Productions, and Kadokawa Pictures. This review was written by me.
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