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Image courtesy of Bambi, Mary Beth’s mother.
I have been trying to write this post all weekend long. Maybe I was clouded by anger, or my own raw feelings on the loss of a child, or the fact that this happened to someone I consider a friend. Probably a combination of all of that, but it’s something that has got to be written. We need to stop burying babies in homebirth over and over again.
The women who speak out against the negligent actions of their homebirth midwife need to be allowed and we have got to stop attacking these women. I don’t care how great you think homebirth is. I personally think hospital birth is the greatest place to give birth and if I heard about the negligent actions of a doctor that caused a baby to die I would never ever dream of telling anyone that the mother was nuts for sharing her story and baby. If a doctor was negligent of course there would be consequences for his actions, but none the less if a mother wanted to share her story and her baby, then I would welcome it. Even if I completely disagreed with her. But then again maybe that’s because I also know what it’s like to lose a baby.
I know what it’s like to be told I’m making things up or am over dramatizing things. I know what it’s like to be told that I’m a liar and my baby didn’t exist. I know what it’s like to be told I’m not grieving her loss right. I know what it’s like to have her forgotten by people who are supposed to love me and my children. It hurts, a lot.
What I don’t know what it’s like is to have a child die due to someone’s negligent actions. To then have that person walk away and move on with her life never having to answer to what she did while I’m left with a gravestone I get to visit every time I miss my child. I don’t know what it’s like to share my story of negligence and share pictures of my beautiful daughter only to have people say that I’m nuts for sharing that and fear mongering a certain agenda and slandering homebirth midwives. And then to be called a snotty bitch for doing that. But I can put myself into the shoes of someone who has had that happen to her, just this weekend no less, and I can completely sympathize with her.
I am furious in fact. My blood pressure has been skyrocketing a thousand times this weekend because of statements made about a woman I count amongst my friends. I am angry, this has to stop. And on top of it all my friend’s photo was reported to Facebook as graphic violence.
Mary Beth’s Story
Back in June 2008 my friend Bambi was planning a homebirth for her daughter. She went into labor one June day and called her midwife who didn’t end up showing up until after Mary Beth was born. When she got there along with the EMT’s they checked over Mary Beth. The EMT’s not being experts on babies deferred to the midwife who gave little Mary Beth a clean bill of health.
She left and this new family settled into life. Bambi went to take a nap and was awoken shortly after by her husband who said their new baby wasn’t breathing. She was rushed to the hospital where they worked on her, but where unable to save her. She was in respiratory distress. And what was even worse is Bambi had drawn her midwife’s attention to many things that concerned her, all of which was explained away by her midwife and seemed reasonable to her, but all things that any medical professional would have recognized as respiratory distress. And before anyone says how can we know it was the midwives fault, the coroners report said, “Cause of death: homebirth.” That’s pretty clear cut.
Mary Beth died and her midwife went on to practice. And Mary Beth’s mother is angry and concerned for other women and has been fighting ever since to save more family’s from experiencing what she has experienced. The problem is, it has come at a price. She has been dismissed and called a monster. People who were once her friends have turned on her.
Why? Because she stood up to her homebirth midwife in the only way she could. And sadly it doesn’t end there.
The Feminist Breeder Strikes Again
On Friday Gina of The Feminist Breeder posted about a Facebook group that I belong to and so does Bambi called Fed Up With Natural Childbirth. First of all let me explain, I’m not fed up with the actual process of natural childbirth. I have birthed two of my children naturally. And everyone who belongs to that group has no problem with women birthing naturally. What they have a problem with is people like Gina who tell women it’s the best and safest way to give birth. That women who do are just superior for having done it and that all hospitals and doctors just want to cut you open so they can get more money or leave sooner. It just really shows a basic lack of understanding of how doctors and hospitals work and it sets women up for failure. Those who don’t get that perfect natural birth often end up with postpartum depression and feelings of failure.
So Gina hates this group because well it threatens everything she believes. She calls the group hateful and thinks the person who started the group is going after her fans and paying for them to join. Can we say paranoid?
Anyway, since so many of Gina’s fans were checking out the page that Gina herself told them existed as a group we were explaining our feelings about birth and Gina. Remember this: Gina told her fans about the Fed Up page, she called everyone on there a bunch of haters and then expects people to not be talking about it.
People came from Gina’s page and saw many things including a picture Bambi shared of her beautiful daughter, Mary Beth, explaining what she is fighting for. And then she was told that her daughter’s picture was the epitome of negativity. How nice it must be to live your life never having to know such grief as the loss of a child. At the loss of a child to a negligent homebirth midwife none the less. Somehow I doubt she could be the epitome of positiveness if she had walked a mile in Bambi’s shoes.
It got worse from there though. That above was just said by one of Gina’s followers, Gina had much worse to say. Which included calling Bambi nuts, that she was slandering homebirth midwives, she has an evil agenda to prevent women from having choice, and finally that she is a snotty bitch. And this is how Gina and others like her show support to other women.
And to add insult to injury, this picture was reported on FB for graphic violence. Thankfully FB knew enough not to actually remove it, but wow! Lets just completely erase Mary Beth’s existence because it’s too negative and we don’t want to see that. I’m just sickened by all of this.
Please tell me, how was Bambi stalking and harassing? She posted a picture of her daughter on a page that she belongs to. She did not go to someone elses page and post this picture. She did not hunt anyone down and say hey look at my dead daughter! She posted it in a place where she knew there were like minded people. And then Gina’s fans went to that page and reported this picture. So Bambi is in the wrong here? She did what exactly?
Can You Blame Me For Being Mad?
This is the problem with so much of the homebirth community. Aside from the idea that they are superior they also dismiss and bury babies that die during homebirth. If a woman speaks out against her homebirth this is how she is treated. It’s so unfair. Do you see why people get fed up? I was banned a while ago from Gina’s page so I couldn’t comment, for all the good it would have done. All I can do is come to my blog and hope that someone reads this and understands how dire of a situation this is. And understand that Gina is the hateful one. Look at that picture above and tell me, what exactly is graphically violent about that? It would be like me reporting pictures of everyone’s sleeping child as graphically violent. It’s outrageous! Women who speak out against homebirth are not doing it to take away your choice, they are doing it to help prevent more Mary Beth’s from happening.
And Gina might have won this round. Bambi has had to take a break from everything. Gina however is still spouting off at the mouth about how much she hates hearing women say that their doctors told them they can’t vbac after all because their baby is too big. She’s telling people about how hateful the rest of us are. She’s going on and on and on about stuff which she knows nothing about while claiming expertise. Lets make one thing clear though, Gina is no victim! She creates all of her own problems. Remember, she sent people to this page that she thinks is so hateful. She sent them there and they didn’t like what they saw. And rather than blame the person who told them about the group, or themselves for looking at it, they are blaming the people on that page for what they saw. I have news for everyone who thinks we invited you there, trust me we did not. No one paid for advertising. Facebook makes recommendations based on what they THINK you want to see. It’s an imperfect system I suppose, but Facebook invited you there and Gina told you about the page and you went looking. No one asked you to come look. But if you’re going to look, then we’re going to give you something to look at. And if it bothers you to see that “dead baby” on the page, then think about how the mother must feel. Then think about why it happened and why she’s so angry and try to come up with a way to change that and prevent it from happening to other women. I sure would hate if it were my grandchild, so you better believe I’m fighting to make sure there’s accountability in homebirth for my daughters and future daughter in law. That’s what you should be seeing when you look at that picture, not graphic violence!
This has to stop. Mothers who speak out against their midwife need to be listened to. And since Gina believes that there wouldn’t be the same outrage for a doctor, she is absolutely wrong. But since doctors and hospitals have a review process of all negative outcomes unlike in homebirth midwifery the chances that a doctor is not help accountable for negligent actions are slim to none. I do not support doctors blindly. No one should. But considering there is a certain standard they must meat in their training unlike homebirth midwives I think it’s safe to say your chances of finding a good one are better than your chances with a homebirth midwife.
What do you think about what The Feminist Breeder did to this loss mom?
