The Dark Knight Rises: A Summary
Yesterday, I ate a brownie, and decided to go see The Dark Knight Rises in IMAX, because why the hell not. I still haven’t regained hearing in either of my ears.
I can say very little about the movie besides that it was very, very loud, and lasted a very, very long time. So long, in fact, that I ate a box of Whoppers, a box of Junior Mints, a 32-ounce Diet Coke, and at least half a bag of stale popcorn in the process of watching it. Along with my hearing, I think my digestive system is on the fritz.
Now, I know I’m supposed to think that Christopher Nolan is amazing, and so are his superhero movies, because there is so much ACTION but it is done so ARTFULLY. I think I enjoyed the first one a lot because people told me I was supposed to enjoy it; the second one I did not see because I do not believe Maggie Gyllenhaal as an actress unless she’s playing a character with droopy boobs exploring issues of infidelity and divorce; the third one, “The Dark Knight Rises,” I held off on because, if I’m being honest, I couldn’t get my hands on any marijuana.
Because who wants to sit through a 165 minute movie without any sex unless they are under the influence of a substance that makes them want to fall asleep? I do, because I was kidding about the marijuana. The bad thing about “The Dark Knight Rises” is that even if you want to fall asleep, you can’t, it’s that fucking loud.
So I guess I’m telling you not to see it. Instead, you should read my summary of it, below.
*SPOILER ALERT IN CASE YOU ACTUALLY CAN’T GUESS WHAT HAPPENS, IN WHICH CASE I’M NOT SURE YOU CAN EVEN READ*
So, there’s this guy named Bruce Willis that wants to save the world, but he gets very depressed because a woman he loves gets eaten by a mutant scientist. I think. I don’t know.
So he stays in his British countryside manor in the middle of New York City, a la Leonardo DiCaprio in the Howard Hawks movie mixed with Ethan Hake the way he looks in real life, and doesn’t speak to anyone for eight years except for his butler, who I think is in love with him, but they don’t have butt sex.
Then, this evil guy from Russia who is kind of uncreative—he got his face eaten off by a prisoner on bath salts, so he wears a Hannibal Lecter mask that isn’t even made out of human skin (not scared!)—starts making attacks on New York City, only it’s weird, because they CGI that shit to make it look like Queens is like 3 blocks wide and looks out over the ocean, which I guess makes it a different city named Gotham.
Come to think of it though, he does have a tattoo on his arm that looks like something that amateur senior citizen in Spain might have restored, so I guess that’s pretty killer.
In the meantime, there’s this good cop named Joseph Gordon Levitt, and also Robin, who is pretty upset about all of this but I think his boss is in the hospital, and turns out to be evil. I’m not sure. Everyone else is like, “Aw shit, Batman that evil motherfucka is back on the streets”—oh yeah, by the way, Batman comes out of seclusion to go to a charity benefit—but the good cop is like “Batman, you put a jacket around my shoulders and gave me hope that I wasn’t a loser, I’ll support you.”
I’d still hit it.
While all of this is going on, there’s like a lot of fighting scenes in rock fortresses with dripping water, with men speaking in Darth Vader voices for no reason.
Ok, so then Batman fucks Marion Cotillard, who gave him the money to make a nuclear bomb that she made him think was for clean energy—bad guy alert!—but actually she’s a Russian ex-con with daddy issues. That part becomes clearer later, after she gets her throat cut in a car accident, or something, I can’t be sure.
Also there’s Anne Hathaway wearing—I’ll admit—a pretty sexy little suit and a pearl necklace. Ba dum dum ching. If you thought something nasty just then, you’re a sicko. She turns out to be Catwoman, and even though she’s a nice girl at heart, actually, she’s aligned with Bane (I just remembered his name!), the dude with the Hannibal Lecter mask. But then she turns nice again, and drives a sick motorcycle, whatever.
So anyway, Batman gets a new automobile, and it turns out to look the bottom side of a horsefly crossed with a Transformer, and it can fly and shit. He takes over the city with it because he’s like actually SUPER lame without his gadgets, but then he gets captured by Bane who fist bangs him, not in the anus, but like in the face and chest. Bane at some point during all of this blows up all of the bridges in Manhattan, which is the most upsetting part of the movie.
Then there’s some minor anarchy in the streets and shit.
All the while, Batman is in the prison where Bane and Marion Cotillard grew up, and he’s like, “I’m gonna get all Rocky meets Prison Break, and get the fuck out of here.” A lot of people chant for him like they’re in an ape cage, and he gets out of there, but barely, on the second attempt.
Then he goes back to Gotham, and lays down the law. I can’t remember how. Oh yeah, he punches the bad guys TO THE GROUND, and then he flies the nuclear bomb in his automobile over Queens that’s not Queens, and let’s it explode over the ocean. Joseph Gordon Levitt and a bewilderingly small number of school boys are watching him on the 59th street bridge, and they’re like, BATMAN BATMAN, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO FIX THE BRIDGES.
Then I think there’s a montage about happy things, and the movie ends, but again, I really can’t be sure. At this point, I was screaming at Caleb, “JESUS CHRIST IS THIS OVER YET?” And I couldn’t hear the answer, because I was deaf in both ears from the soundtrack.
Anyway, so the moral of the story is that in Hollywood movies, the super heroes always win, even though they’ve been watered down by so many marketing opportunities, script revisions, pandering executives, and people afraid of pissing off the “average American” that you aren’t even rooting for them. The end.
