Elliot Rodger’s rampage not only cut short six promising young lives, impacted a number of others who survived but will bear the physical and emotional scars, left families to deal with devastating and lifelong grief, and friends and neighbors to mourn and ask what might have been- it has also led to a renewed debate about guns and an explosive outpouring on Twitter from women in the form of #YesAllWomen.
The topic is misogyny and how elements of our culture have contributed to the risk so many women face of being sexually used and abused. The twitter sphere has been lighting up for days with posts from women around the country who are sharing not only their own experiences but those of the women around them. It seems that in spite of the supposed success of feminism, women are at greater risk today for sexual abuse at the hands of not only strangers, but male acquaintances and even friends.
Washington Post film critic Ann Hornaday wrote a piece on how our sexist movie culture may contribute to the problem. She wrote that; “ …For generations, mass entertainment has been overwhelmingly controlled by white men, whose escapist fantasies so often revolve around vigilantism and sexual wish-fulfillment (often, if not always, featuring a steady through-line of casual misogyny)…”
Her column drew a strong backlash from filmmaker Judd Apatow and actor Seth Rogan, who condemned Ms. Hornaday for trying to put the blame of this tragedy on their industry. While Hollywood is not in any way solely responsible, the culture of its messages may be contributing to the problem. If we want to get to the honest truths underlying this problem, we shouldn’t shy away from anything. Any and all possible influences should be openly laid out, dissected and discussed. Therefore, I want to join Ms. Hornaday by suggesting another possible issue here that I will probably be slammed for- how women themselves contribute to the problem.
Being a woman and the mother of a young adult daughter it is unlikely that I would in any way suggest we blame the victims- and that is not my intent. Instead, we need to explore the messages women send out that may be contributing to how males view women and sex. Casual hook-up sex has become not only common- it is the norm for many young adults, men and women alike. In my work with young single men and as the mother of young adult sons (yes I have a dog in both fights) - I frequently hear about women being the sexual aggressors. I use the word encounters because relationship would be a stretch. Instead, they have occasional or even sporadic hook-ups- which women happily engage in while making it clear they are not interested in anything other than a good time. Let me be clear that there is nothing wrong with two consenting adults engaging in mutually satisfying sex, as long as one of them doesn’t somehow feel hurt, slighted, or used because the sex is all they have.
This is what I hear too often from my young female clients. They have an interest in a guy or have developed feelings for him- and they have sexual encounters that they enjoy in the short run, but that too often leave them feeling used and empty. What they don’t give any real thought to is the message they are sending, one of no strings attached that leads the guy to think they are on the same page and all is cool. Imagine the confusion on the part of young men when women break down into tears the next time they see them and they are with someone else or the man who hears from one of her friends that she is very upset with him and feels used and/or taken advantage of. If a woman sets herself up as the victim in this way- she has the power to stop doing this and help shake up the culture of casual sex and pervasive attitude that women are often just for sexual fun and pleasure.
What I am suggesting instead is that women really think about what they want and put it out there- instead of going along with the flow as too many do. If you are attracted to or interested in a guy- try introducing him to all the many things you are other than a potential sexual partner. Engage in conversation that demonstrates your intellect, great sense of humor and/or easy and fun personality. Share some of your interests and passions with him and try learning about his. Suggest things you can do together that could help you form a bond of friendship that could lead to something more. The bottom line here- don’t keep selling yourself short as I believe too many women do.
Lastly, I’m going to offer you a glimpse of what I hear from the young men I work with and know regarding women, dating and relationships. Many talk about how hard it is to meet women who know who they are, don’t sell themselves short and don’t make it too easy for men. Yes, there is a double-standard to some extent- but you will be a true equal to any man and challenge and intrigue him if you set your bar higher in your relationships. Tell men what you want and how you expect them to behave and you may be surprised at the positive response you will get. It may even help put a dent in the toxic culture of misogyny that exists today.
