Streets Ahead is the column
from London Walks' Pen David
Tucker…
Q. What's wrong with guidebooks?
A. They don't work.
Here's a picked-at-random example. It's a short passage from a London guidebook that's pretty good given the inherent limitations of the species.
Reads as follows:
"The boundary between the City and Westminster does not run in straight lines. It crosses Bell Yard from left to right, runs along the front of the buildings and passes through the middle of the block at Nos. 11-12. It is marked by a small plaque at each point high up on the wall."
Initial reaction: it's anything but a pure "read. You wouldn't take it to bed. Or curl up in an armchair with it, a steaming cuppa at the ready.
I mean I suppose you could enlist the services of a map - bring the prose and the map to bear on the question of the whereabouts of that boundary line. But as "experiences" go... Well, you'll get my drift.
But horses for courses. If it's not an armchair read maybe it comes into its own "out in the field." A reasonable supposition, surely.
Reasonable. But dead reckoning wrong.
I took it out "in the field" - took it for a test drive.
What a pain in the backside.
It's three sentences. Sentence one - "The boundary between the City and Westminster does not run in straight lines" - is fine, a step into the woods.
But one step into the woods and you're lost.
"It crosses Bell Yard from left to right..." That "left to right" is presumably looking up Bell Yard. But then where does this "guide" take us? Is "runs along the front of the buildings" going along Fleet Street? Or up Bell Yard? (Bell Yard runs north from Fleet Street between the Royal Courts of Justice and the Bank of England pub.)
And "middle of the block" which the boundary line "passes through" - is that "block" as in American city block? Or British "block" as in a block of flats or offices?
The dismalest disappointment, though, is that last sentence. "It is marked by a small plaque at each point high up on the wall."
God is in the details and "small plaque[s]...high up on the wall", well, in this game that's the equivalent of spotting a Pallas's Leaf Warbler.
Alas, no joy. Not only are the "small plaque[s]" missing in action, same goes for the building itself. Or does it? There is a building there. And it's not new. But "Nos. 11-12" - well and truly MIA. There's an office there named? numbered? 9-12. But that's not the same thing at all.
And as long as we're at it, what does "at each point" mean, refer to?
"High up on the wall" is pretty clear - that's where I was looking, where I was "directed" to look by my, er, helpful "guide". Directed to look to no avail - because there were no small plaques up there, let alone "points" they were marking.
So where's that leave us? Well, in my case I left 20 minutes or so there "on the field". Came away empty handed, empty eyed, no small plaques, nothing in return for the investment of my time and effort.
No, I did get something in return - I got a measure of frustration, disappointment, and general cheesed off-ness. Let alone a fresh reminder of what it is I don't like about guidebooks.
As for the plaques and the question of their whereabouts and where that leaves us - they've left us.
Now if I'd been with a guide - and the plaques were there to see - (s)he would have taken me to them, pointed them out, I would have seen them. Whole thing would have taken about 20 seconds.
Q. What's right with guides?
A. They work.
A London Walk costs £9 – £7 concession. To join a London Walk, simply meet your guide at the designated tube station at the appointed time. Details of all London Walks can be found at www.walks.com.
