Humor Magazine

The Bullet Points

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

lap edition 8

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Once again it’s time to throw this week’s headlines on Rant’s desk and watch that little vein pop on his forehead, as Long Awkward Pause presents:

 The Bullet Points

Headline #1.)

Authorities confiscate $3M worth of shoes from Kentucky home

Authorities confiscate $3M worth of shoes from Kentucky home

soldier
Rants: Lead investigator was quoted as making the comment, “All of them were just fabulous!”

Headline #2.)

Puppy drives car into Massachusetts pond

Puppy drives car into Massachusetts pond

soldier
 Rants: Then someone posts a picture that says, “Wow… So drive… Much accelerate.”  Authorities arrest the puppy, and in a whole twenty minutes, #freethepuppy movements begin gathering signatures.  Murrica.

Headline #3.)

Three cops in New Mexico’s infamous anal cavity search case still on job

Three cops in New Mexico’s infamous anal cavity search case still on job

soldier
 Rants: Most disturbing here is the thought of what these men could possibly value so much by spelunking for it in someone else’s ass.  One can only assume there are three in order to support a full, three-shift effort every day.  Also, we need to know what the poor fool did to earn three years of fisting at the hands of New Mexico’s finest… so we don’t ask for it accidentally.

Headline #4.)

'Godzilla of Earths': Alien planet 17 times heavier than our world discovered

‘Godzilla of Earths’: Alien planet 17 times heavier than our world discovered

soldier
 Rants: Yawn – exiting as Kimye.  You want to excite people?  Discover a planet with seventeen Godzillas, then build them a giant octagon.  Talk about pay money to see that shit.

Headline #5.)

Needle lost in tattooist’s body removed 40 years later

Needle lost in tattooist’s body removed 40 years later

soldier
 Rants: If it’s trapped within the confines of one’s body, exactly how lost is it?  Did this help with his erectile dysfunction?

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