The British political scene was rocked yesterday when it emerged that the Chancellor, supposedly an incompetent Conservative and monetarist, is- or was- in fact an agent of North Korea. On the day that many right-wing reforms, such as the Bedroom Tax, food stamps, the 45p tax band, Housing Benefit cuts, and the semi-privatisation of the NHS came into effect, we learnt that the actions were all part of a failed plot to discredit Conservatism forever in a prominent Western economy.
According to North Korea, the plot was the installing of Osborne as Chancellor, followed by his implementation of a series of brutally regressive policies. If public anger did not boil into outright revolution- which Communist secret agents would ‘co-ordinate’- the hope was that the targeted campaign to destroy the UK economy would bring down the democratic system by December 2014. It appears that the plotters massively underestimated the antipathy of modern Britons to either the cruel treatment of the vulnerable, or the slow destruction of their livelihoods.
What concerns me is that we were so unsurprised by the Tories’ heartlessness that we all believed that it was their genuine wish to be so unfair. We’d have known nothing about it if Osborne hadn’t given that ‘Emergency Speech’ to confess, before helicoptering himself to the motherland to watch the nuclear war unfold. There are a number of implications about this country, its society and its security that now need to be addressed.
I was getting desperate. I tried doubling the National Debt. You barely noticed. When I taxed pleb food, people laughed but didn’t bat an eyelid. I started handing out thousands of pounds in tax cuts to the bourgeoisie, and all it got was some whining in The Guardian letters page. So then I tried taking away money from the disabled. I closed factories that employed them; I paid companies to force them onto the dole; I charged them for rooms that they needed; and then I cut off funding for them to leave their homes. All you stupid oiks did was run a couple of poxy demonstrations. With your British sense of fairness, I thought there’d be rioting in the streets…
In the end, I got bored and dropped hints all over the place. I addressed memos to Tory MPs with the word “Comrades”, I closed my conference speech with a plea for “WORKERS OF THE WORLD [to] UNITE!!!”. If that didn’t set alarm bells ringing, I didn’t know what would.
George Osborne (Con), former Chancellor of the Exquequer
To be honest, I did have my suspicions that Osborne might be paid by the Labour Party, but the idea that we were being maneuvered into becoming some sort of neo-Soviet dictatorship is deeply unsettling. I also wonder how much the rest of the Government knew. This is what they have been saying:
Look, I just do whatever Dave tells me to, OK?
Nick Clegg (LD), Deputy Prime Minister
That fits. Nick Clegg is notionally the 2nd most important figure in the Government, but all that happens in practice is that he’ll obey every order from The Top unquestioningly, unless it is a trivial matter that nobody cares about.
I’m REALLY annoyed. It’s my job to be the wild-eyed Marxist infiltrator, isn’t it? No, I remember- I’m the Tory pretending to be a Commie, and he’s the Commie pretending to be the heartless idiot. Wait a second: does this mean there’s a vacancy for the post of Chancellor? Sorry, I’ve got a very urgent job to do…
Vince Cable (LD), Business Secretary
It’s unusual to hear such frankness from the Business Secretary. I bet that this quote could only have been obtained with undercover Telegraph journalists speaking to him in his office.
Well, yes. It’s not my job to worry about these things- I’m the Foriegn Secretary you know. It’s my job to make a fool of myslef too, in fact, by any means possible. Sometimes that means frightening people with my strange Yorkshire accent, or by wearing certain garments on my head that make me look like a total prat. But above all, I couldn’t have known about Gideon, because I was to busy planning and then attending my trip to some disaster stricken Third World country (whose name escapes me at present, as it’s not important) with Angelina Jolie. Did you see the news coverage? It must be difficult to decide which of us was better looking.
William Hague (Con), Foreign Secretary
