I think we can all agree that pick-up lines are copyrighted, patented and only to be used with the express written consent of Douchebags, Inc. These are guys who are too lazy to take the time to get to know anyone and are looking for a loophole, some sort of shortcut in order to achieve instant intimacy. They’ve been reading too many Penthouse Letters and are hoping that they too can experience some remarkable and unbelievable encounter that they can relate to Penthouse, one of those letters that starts out, I never thought it would happen to me, but…
I wouldn’t dare to dream that these lines would ever work on women, but then I think about the formula to be successful in sales, which is to flood what your selling to the masses in hopes that a small percentage will buy it. It’s a numbers game. The douchebags don’t need all the girls to respond. They just need one. One girl who doesn’t roll her eyes or slap him. One girl who smiles or giggles at his absurdity. That’s all it takes, and this guy will receive confirmation that girls can’t resist him.
Even so, I can’t even imagine what it is these douchebags expect women to say in response to such idiocy. Wait, sure I can, because I have a unique and sometimes scary imagination. Below are some of the most ridiculous pick-up lines I’ve heard from guys over the years, as well as the responses I can only imagine they must hope to hear in retuen.
Douchebag Line: Could you please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes?
Girl: Tee-hee. Sorry, I can’t do that. They are full and heaving and they love staring at your eyes.
Douchebag Line: Nice legs. What time do they open?
Girl: They’re open 24 hours for you, big boy.
Douchebag Line: Fuck me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we met before?
Girl: Oh my gosh, you are SOOO wrong. We have never met. I totally get to fuck you now.
Douchebag Line: Sure, there might be girls hotter in here, but that’s what light switches are for, baby.
Girl: I’m so relieved to hear you say that because I have self-esteem issues and if you’ll promise to turn the lights off I’ll go home with you right now.
Douchebag Line: How about we go to my place and do things I’m going to tell my friends we did anyway?
Girl: Well, I guess if I’m going to adopt a reputation as a slut based on you’re slanderous lies, I might as well have some fun. Let’s go.
Douchebag Line: Hello, my name is [name], just so you know what to scream out in bed later.
Girl: I usually just scream out, “OH GOD!” I can’t wait to scream out a different name for once.
Douchebag Line: So, is it safe to say I’m going to score?
Girl: Touchdown, homerun, slam dunk. You name it, tiger!
Douchebag Line: Don’t worry baby, as long as I have a face, you’ll have a place to sit.
Girl: Wow, what a gentleman. And this stool is so uncomfortable…
Douchebag Line: All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Girl: I guess you’ll just have to go all Fast and Furious on me then.
Douchebag Line: See this watch, it’s magic, it talks to me. Right now it’s telling me that you have no underwear on. Wait (tap, tap, tap), sorry, it’s an hour fast.
Girl: Actually, it’s dead on.
Douchebag Line: Are you texting me, because I’m right here.
Girl: Oh my god, I wasn’t texting you, but I wish I was.
Douchebag Line: Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems…nice tits.
Girl: That is so romantic. Let’s fuck now.
Douchebag Line: (Hands her a business card that says, “Laugh if you’re horny.”)
Girl: Hahahahahahahahaha. Oh my god, I can’t stop laughing. I’m suddenly so horny for you!
Douchebags! What great merriment you give me.
Cheers, until the next time.
The RB
