This isn’t a Cracked Photoplasty competition with a bunch of joke entries. These are 100% real Game of Thrones spoilers derived from what happens in the ‘Feast For Crows’ and ‘Dance With Dragons’ books. The show is likely to deviate from the books in some ways, but these are major plot points.
So why am I doing this? Everyone is talking about the show this week and many are speculating about what’s ahead. As one of those tiresome sorts who have read the book I have to bit my tongue. I’m getting it off my chest today. There are spoilers ahead. Big ones. Read at your own risk.
Seriously. Spoilers.
10. Tyrion Joins a Travelling Circus
I SWEAR this isn’t a joke article. These are real spoilers. Even though he’s jumped the pond to Essos Tyrion must continue to lie low, and to this end he poses as a performer. You may remember a troupe of dwarves performing mock jousts during Joffrey’s wedding – it’s this group who Tyrion uses as his cover to cross the land and eventually perform in an arena before none other than Daenerys. The two don’t actually met though. Tyrion does kick it with Jorah Mormont for a while.
9. Daenerys Goes into the Wilds to Live With Dragons
Following a failed assassination attempt during a public performance (featuring Tyrion), wayward dragon Drogon makes himself known for the first time since the dragons had been getting chained up in a pit. Landing in the middle of the city and starting plenty of fire and pain, Drogon carries Daenerys off to his hideaway in the desert. And that’s where we leave her for the time being.
8. Cersei Slut-Shames Margaery Right Into Jail…
One of he best power plays that develops in the coming episodes Cersei and Margaery, with Tommen being the prize that stands between them. With an increasingly controlling and paranoid mother it’s no surprise that Tommen sides more with the seductive and manipulative Margaery. Cersei responds by setting up a couple of knights to claim they’d been involved in a couple of wild parties with Margaery and her handmaidens, leading Margaery to be jailed by the High Speton.
7. …But it Backfires In an Epic Way
Sadly for Cersei, she underestimated the High Septon, who is already increasing in popularity among the common folk. The Septon tortures the truth from the knights and Cersei herself is locked up and tormented while facing accusations of incest. After a rather miserable time in a cell wearing rags Cersei is forced to walk back to the Red Keep in the buff with her head shaved, which does little to earn her the respect of her people.
6. Brienne Gets Hanged by Zombie Catelyn Stark
Following the Red Wedding Catelyn Stark was brought back from the dead by Thoros of Myr and has been existing in secret ever since. Now going by the name Lady Stoneheart she’s been moving in the shadows and leading the Brotherhood Without Banners. When she encounters Brienne searching the land for Sansa she denounces her as traitor and demands she kills Jamie. When Brienne refuses she is hanged.
5. Sam Meets Arya and Goes Back to School
Since his skills are clearly better suited to reading, writing and other scholarly pursuits rather than holding the wall, Sam gets shipped off to the Citadel to train as a Maester. On his journey there with Gilly he stops through Braavos where he encounters on of the two remaining Starks. The encounter is fleeting though, as Sam is destined for bigger things.
4. He Also Secretly Carries Mance Ryder’s Son…and Mance Rayder is Alive
Along for the ride is Gilly, who doesn’t stop crying. Between that and Sam’s whinging it makes for some tiresome chapters. To be fair it’s because the Night’s Watch stole her baby. With the infant son of Mance Rayder to keep safe, Jon Snow SOMEHOW convinces Gilly to swap the babies and take Mance Jr. away from the wall with her, leaving her own son in danger. Mance Rayder, on the other hand, managed to avoid death by fire and arrow by swapping places with Rattleshirt, using glamor magic to hide their appearances.
3. Jon Snow Becomes Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch
It was, of course, Jon Snow who sent them on this quest. Having been elected the Commander of the Night’s Watch and solidifying his authority by beheading Janos Slynt for not following an order, Jon continues to build his numbers with the Wildlings south of the Wall. With the Iron Throne furious with his appointment, Stannis increasingly at odds with him and his own men unhappy with their new bunkmates, the odds are stacked against his leadership.
2. Then He Gets Stabbed to Death
A bunch of Crows, led by Bowen Marsh, lure Jon out and repeatedly stab him. They do this for what they think is the good of the watch and many are in tears while they do it, but seriously guys. Not good. Maybe he’ll become a White Walker?
1. Oh Yeah, Daenerys Has Nephew Whose Claim to Iron Throne Surpasses Hers
The biggest twist in the tale George Martin has thrown our way comes in the form of Aegon Targaryan, the child everyone believes was murdered as an infant by the Mountain during Robert’s Rebellion. Varys, who has been behind pretty much everything in the entire series (unless it was his rival Littlefinger – by the way, these two are the real power players in this game) swapped the child out with an imposter and had him raised in secret, even from Daenerys and Viserys. Little Aegon goes under the name Griff and has his distinctive white hair dyed blue until the time for him to retake the throne is nigh. If his identity is true his claim to the throne comes before Daenerys in the proper succession…how his appearance will change the board is one of the big questions hanging over the story.
Phew. I feel better getting that out of my system.
