Family Magazine

That King Size Bed Changes Everything.

By Rachel Rachelhagg @thehaggerty5

And just like that we said our ” I do’s ” , jumped off the stage and ran off into the sunset. I knew in our marriage I could count on one thing fully, and that is that we would have a Queen sized bed until forever.

I told myself this was fine, as we weren’t going to have any children for at least five years. After a few months God laughed at all of our practicing and gave us a son. Soon this son would end up in bed with us during the night to breastfeed. No problem, it’s just one kid.

Two years later another kid came along and we had to kick the first one out of our bed. Because you know, Queen size. Soon we got really good at baby making and out popped another one. It wasn’t long before we told ALL the children our bed was off limits. It’s too small we said. We still have to sleep and play Bingo we said.

We set rules just to break them in the name of sanity, and soon all three piled up in our Queen bed at night. This resulted in many tears, and the children got upset too. We tried everything from creating a laxer beam alarm at the front of our bedroom door. A powerpoint demonstration of how much sleep adults need at night. We even hired guard dogs, but we didn’t pay well enough so they quit. Barbed wire seemed a little extreme, so we took that down after a week. Nothing would keep the offspring away from our bed.

Finally, we got a King mattress. 

We declared by the love of God we would keep this domain of romance to ourselves. No more children allowed, no if’s ands or buts about it. They had to stay out.

The funny thing about a King sized bed is that it’s big. Another funny thing is that we never keep rules like this in our house. It’s kind of like the ” no eating on the sofa” rule. Oh, and the ” finish your homework before you play outside” rule. Both of those require serious patience and supervision from us as parents. Sometimes it’s hard to enforce rules that give you a break.

The King size mattress felt like an instant vacation. Suddenly I could spread my arms and legs about and feel no human in the same bed. No tiny human, no adult one. Just me. The nights went on with no children in our new bed and I grew lonely. I even sent telegrams to my husband who was at least 10 miles away in between the sheets with no response. He slept great with no nearness to me. I began to question if this was all a mistake, this larger bed. Surely no one would need me anymore. No children would come in the middle of the night for a snuggle or a smack to the face asking for a glass of water. 

I went and bought a flare gun, and used it a couple times from my side of the bed. The eruption seemed quite calming to my husband, so I returned it. Night after lonely night I debated whether this was a good decision for our family. Suddenly it hit me like a positive pregnancy test.

Queen sized bed= BABIES

King sized bed= NO BABIES


I see my husbands point. Although this seems to me like the Bachelor lifestyle. Perhaps I’ll get my nose pierced again and buy a violin that I’ve always wanted to play. Distance can keep us apart, but King size beds can’t keep us rule followers:

Exhibit one: 


Exhibit two:

unnamed (8)

This was this morning in the new bed. I am now going to state that we are lazy with rules.

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