This is a short companion to my earlier story about Fitzhugh Regensberg, horn maker to the American Dental Association and offers further testimony on the salutary influence of Eastern philosophy on the fine art of blowing one's own horn.A friend of mine – whose modesty forbids the use of his name – has just designed a portable trumpet-playing environment he calls the Rama Taj Room. You can control the Rat Room's atmospheric pressure, temperature, and humidity precisely. The Rat Room II will even allow you to control the exact composition of the atmosphere. The idea is that maximum music requires maximum comfort. Comfort is what the Rama Taj is all about.
Of course, each Rama Taj Room comes with a top-notch microphone and sound system to pick up your sound and project it outside the room. Otherwise there wouldn't be much point to it.
If two or more players on the same gig decide to use Rats there's a special Tantric Energy Coupler (TEC) available so they can hear one another directly. For maximum efficiently you should stick a wadded gum wrapper (the tinfoil is crucial) up your left nostril when using the TEC.
Each Rama Taj is custom-built for a particular player using a particular horn. This is necessary in order to adjust the interdigital overlap of the nodal points of the sonic dispersion function. Adjustable eccentric waveguides are available for those who like to perform while standing on their head (to optimize blood flow). The waveguides perform dense wave multiplexing to realign the Lafayette metric of the inner distribution of wavelet eigenvalues.
I've been testing the prototype for the last week. It's amazing. My old beat-up Sears Roebuck special with the peashooter mouthpiece now sounds like a Monette. The sound is full and dense and centered right in the cross hairs and the ammo clip works smooth as butter. The recoil is just a tad on the vigorous side, but a little ventral slotting should help that.
Why just two weeks ago I could just barely play "Row Row Row Your Boat." Now I can play "Moto Perpetuo" in half the time Mendez does and with twice as many notes. On my big band gig I can take the Maynard parts up an octave, setting off all the dogs in the area and attracting bats from all directions. And just yesterday I was playing "The Lonely Bull." So many cows came running that my Rama Taj became the Love Shack.
The amazing thing is, my friend tells me that I'll get even better once I memorize the Boy Scout pledge and straighten up my life.
I tell you, the Rama Taj Room has changed my life. It'll change yours. It'll go on the market for $250,000 or your first-born child, whichever you can produce first.
Keep tooting'.
Dr. Rama Jazz 'Ma Dingdong
