Tales From The Kardashian Krypt Part One: Nose Candy

With all the nasty Rob Kardashian/Blac Chyna drama in the ether lately, it’s almost a relief to read some good old fashioned, original recipe Kim Kardashian fuckery. Today, we have two riveting Tales from the Kardashian Krypt. “Part One” involves of drugs and children (but not really), and “Part Two” is about child abuse (but not really, not yet at least).

So first, on Monday, Kim Snapchatted about some of the new items for sale in her Kid’s Supply clothing line. One viewer noticed what appeared to a couple rails of Bolivian marching powder, aka cocaine (or maybe even Chyna White?) on a coffee table in the background and tweeted a screenshot, jokingly calling her out.

Ohhhhhh @KimKardashian caught out with cocaine .. durtayyyyy pic.twitter.com/ZCnRcpmLSA

— Doireann (@Doirs19) July 11, 2017

Within 20 minutes, Kim posted a response.

I do not play with rumors like this so I'm gonna shut it down real quick. That's sugar from our candy mess from dylan's candy shop https://t.co/oICdPQVi8d

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 11, 2017

Whoever is tied up in the Kardashian basement and in charge of mention-monitoring deserves an extra hour of “healthful outdoor labor” for catching this potential SCANDAL before it got out of hand!

I verily guffawed at this excuse. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. What candy store sells loose sugar and why in the name of Yeezus would her children be cutting lines of candy on the coffee table?! Laugh/cry emoji, amiright?!

Thankfully, somebody (basement assistant #26 perhaps) must have pointed out the incredulity of this excuse, so Kim posted another Snapchat letting us know that when she came back to her hotel she realized that the “lines” weren’t from the children’s Pixy Stixs after all (she’s figured out she needs a plausibly cuttable candy to cover her previous story)! It was all an OPTICAL ILLUSION! What we saw were veins in the marble of the coffee table that she probably had an assistant paint in there so she could have a coke scandal.