I have been in the industry as a server and bartender either full or
part time for 13 years now. I have seen and heard some amazing things
in my time. I love the stories everyone, keep them coming.
Anyway…Being a server, I have to deal with stupid people, so instead
of biting my tongue, I say what I am thinking. I figured out a way to
be an asshole and have people love me for it. Most of them actually
tip me better, and some even come back and ask for me.(No, I never
worked at Ed Debevic’s) I even showed a buddy how to do it. Our
coworkers called us Mouth and Lips. We used to interrupt each other at
our tables and talk shit about the other to the guests, we made work
fun for everyone. But, my insulting guests is the topic here so
without further ado, my favorite insults;
Guest: “Where is my diet coke?”
Me: “I don’t know, I give up, where is it?”
Guest: “Do you have fat free french dressing here?”
Me: “I am sorry we do not, we carry fat free ranch, and then a few
viniagrettes that are low fat and low cal”
Guest: “NO FAT FREE FRENCH?! What is someone on a diet supposed to do
if restuarants don’t serve FAT FREE FRENCH?!”
Me(looking sly and smiling at her friends):”I would suggest, you don’t
go out to eat, dining at home can be much more healthy”
Guest(has ranch, french, and honey mustard in front of them): “I am
not sure I like your ranch dressing”
Me: “good thing you ordered 30 different kinds of dressing, one of
them will work out for you”
Guest: “But, I mean I really don’t like your ranch”
Me: “I am sorry, you feel that way, (shit grin) I don’t much like you,
but I am keeping that to myself”
Guest: “YOU, You, you are hilarious, I am requesting you next time I
come here to eat”
Guest: “How come everyone here is so happy?”
Me: “we actually like what we do for a living”
Guest: “that is strange”
Me: “Just because you hate life, doesn’t mean we have to”
Guest: “can I have an application?”
Guest: “My steak seems to be cooked medium well, is there any way you
can uncook this a little bit?”
Me: “Sorry about that…Unfortunately, our reverse grill is getting
fixed at the moment, but I will have them make you a new one”
Guest: “you have one of those?”
Me: “a new steak? Yes, we sure do!”
Guest: “you are really charming and handsome, you would be perfect for
my daughter”
Me: “thank you, but I don’t know her”
Guest: “I will give you her number, then I will let her know you are
calling”
Me: “Ma’am, I am not interested in dating you”
Guest: “I don’t really care for the clam chowder here”
Me: “I don’t really care for the looks your mother is giving me, now
we are even”
-Jeff
