School is about to get out here in Kansas. For many moms that's a sweet joy. They anticipate leisurely time with their children, afternoons at the pool, evenings in the park. For the rest of us summer is a stir-fry of a wide range of emotions. We feel joy, panic, loss of routine, guilt, anticipation, dread. These are the moms I have in mind as I write this. I am that mom. This is the second in a short two-week series with tips on how to successfully survive summer. For the first half of the list click here. I've had several moms contact me this week. The relief that they've expressed that they're not alone in the deep and wide emotions they experience in their maternity is palpable. The notion that there are others out there that might also need help in surviving summer allowed them to exhale and breath a little freer. We are in this together!
When you have some down time avoid the temptation to always turn on your own screen. There's certainly a place for that. But I think it's also important for our souls to cultivate hobbies that restore and rejuvenate. That comes through creativity and creative expression: paint, needlepoint, woodwork, restoring an old piece of furniture, cross-stich.
Your kids need you to look after yourself. It will be much easier for them to learn to do this as adults themselves if they've seen the adults in their childhood do it first. It's ok to tell your kids no. It's ok to say that you need some down time. It's ok to tell them that you're tired and you need to lie down on the couch for a few minutes. Even little kids can be taught to play quietly while mommy rests.
- You are not responsible for the happiness of your child
You can set up great activities, you can provide safe structures and routines, you can ensure good nutrition but you are not responsible for the ways your child chooses to respond.
When my children were younger they weren't competing for my attention. I didn't have a smart phone that tempted me to quick check email or Facebook or twitter or Instagram. I do know the magnetic pull now though. It's so easy, and it feels so important, to check in with my phone. I don't know what the answer is but I know from the moms and dads I've watched in airports or church foyers or grocery stores or at the park that kids suffer from an "absent" parent. Adelaide's choir teacher likes to say at concerts, "please turn off your phones or devices that make sound. Your kids can see from the stage the under glow of your nose if you're on your phone and they know what you think is important." It's true. I wonder if it wouldn't be helpful to have a planned moment or two during your day where you check your phone but otherwise plan on ignoring it. You might have to turn off your notifications. Maybe put your phone away until it rings with an actual phone call! I know this isn't easy but I really wonder if it might not be critical to the emotional health of your children to know that there parent is present.
- One activity a day is more than plenty
There's a notion out there that says that kids need to be occupied from sunrise to sunset with planned activities- play dates, art classes, trips to the museums or the zoo, swimming lessons, crafts, yoga classes. All of those things are good things but it is possible to plan your kid's life to death (theirs, yours, and the activity in question's!). Years ago I found something online that simplified expectations in regards to activities but for the life of me I couldn't find it today. The author suggested a rough weekly guide: Make it Monday; To the Library Tuesday; Wildcard Wednesday; Service Thursday; Road trip Friday. I've seen other ideas online that help simplify things as well. Come up with your own...as long as it gives you permission to extend grace to yourself, and freedom for spontaneous fun, it'll work!
I know I don't have to say it but downtime is really good for you and for your kids. An unscheduled day seems longer. A free afternoon gives kids opportunities to dream and imagine and relax. They need that. You need that. Resist the guilt and the pull that says you need to plan out every minute of every day. Don't do it!
Summer will not last forever. Summer will pass into autumn; autumn will yield to winter and winter will give into spring. Take deep breaths, abandon your expectations, allow your days to be pockmarked with joy and giggles. Find another parent who honestly admits her heart. Live in the here and now. Welcome the miracles of the mundane. We will get through this together. We will survive summer!
A Note to Moms who Work Outside the Home:You women are amazing! Here are a couple of things I want to say to you in particular:
- Learn to marinate your soul in a daily GRACE wash. You are a good mother. Your mothering is broader than this summer.
- Arrange good childcare for your kids. Do what needs to be done to provide safe and healthy care for each of your children. It might look different for each kid each summer.
- Communicate that plan to your kids without apology.
- Don't skimp on self-care and rest and adult conversation. This is vital to you continuing on in your mothering role with any amount of joy!
