Streets Ahead is the column
from London Walks' Pen David
Tucker…
When the going gets weird the weird get going…
Or maybe it should be, “the weird get coming your way”
In Shanghai (how’s that for an abrupt transition?), in the grandest shopping street in Asia (the 5th Avenue of Shankers), you’re besieged by briefcased Chinese horologists. All of whom seem to be wearing macs with specially constructed inside pouches for secreting the briefcase should the need arise.
They stoppeth thee. Try to hold you with their glittering eye and incantation:
“Rolex, Rolex, Rolex, 20 dollar.”
In London 50 years ago (to Nikki Lauda another screeching, hairpin corner) there was just one walking tour company: London Walks.
In London 40 years ago there was just one walking tour company: London Walks.
In London 35 years ago there was one walking tour company – London Walks – and a couple of no-hoper knock-offs. To wit: the Monty Pythonesque-named Suburban Walks (all of which took place in central London) and Exciting Walks with Mabel (which surely promised more than it delivered).
And then in the 1980s the dam burst. A former postman started making the rounds. Rounds indeed. He’s been around, on and off and under several different names (including our name until we were able, with the help of a learned friend, to impress upon him the difference between meum and tuum) ever since. There was another one – he’s since moved on to greener pastures – who was wont to linger, unidentified, at the station at the appointed hour. What the lingering – or malingering – was all about was that if the headcount wasn’t to his liking he’d come up to “the few”, ask them, “are you here for the walking tour?” They’d eagerly chime up, “yes, yes – is the right place?” To which he’d reply: “oh, you’ve just missed them – they went in that direction.” And off on the wild goose chase they’d go. What that jiggery pokery was all about of course was alibi building – if there was any comeback – “we turned up for a walk and the guide didn’t show” – well, the falsehood/false trail was the out.
Despicable.
Anyway, that was 20-odd years ago. You were hardly spoiled for choice.
Different story today. It’s walking tours walking tours walking tours as far as the eye can see. And of course “the Internets” has muddied the waters no end. Bush was more right with that malapropism than any of us suspected. It’s a plurality, the internets. It can be so helpful. But it can also be an endless amount of squid ink. I mean what do you say about 800 five starTrip Advisor “reviews”? A perfect slate – 100 percent – of five star reviews. Been going just a couple of years – don’t do all that many walks – and have three or four times as many “reviews” as London Walks has amassed in the ten or so years TA’s been around. Has more “reviews” than, say, the big Hilton Hotel in Park Lane. Or the Globe Theatre.
An aside: 100 percent five star reviews somebody’s stinking the place up – gaming the system. Westminster Abbey’s star rating average is 4.5. The Tower of London’s star rating average is 4.5. The British Museum’s star rating average is 4.5. St. Paul’s Cathedral’s star rating average is 4.5. London Walks’ star rating average is 4.5.
4.5 is a whole lot better than 5.0.
PART TWO TOMORROW…
A London Walk costs £9 – £7 concession. To join a London Walk, simply meet your guide at the designated tube station at the appointed time. Details of all London Walks can be found at www.walks.com.
