In my motherhood journey, 80% of the time, I feel like a typical, average mom. I take care of my girl and keep her in good shape. 15% of the time, I feel like I am a tip-top mom and deserve a pat on the back. 5% of the time, my ego takes a beating and I think I can be a better mom.
Today has got to be the lowest of that 5% since Angel was born.
Just when I was saying I need to keep Angel out of harm's way, another mishap happened at home. Shortly two days after the car accident.
I was cooking halfway in the kitchen when I heard a loud thud in the bedroom. It scared me a little but since jw was with Angel, I assumed it was just another of her usual falls. Then, he came running out shouting "Quick, HELP, baby is bleeding!"
That was when I saw a small slash on her face, but more devastatingly she had a deep cut on her ear and blood was just flowing out profusely.
Honestly, I didn't know how to react. I asked if we should bring her to the hospital immediately but jw suggested for us to stop the bleeding first, so we did. It was the first time I saw my baby losing so much blood and you know what, I nearly FAINTED. No joke. I never felt this sensation before. My hands and legs gave way, my stomach flipped, I wanted to vomit and when I looked in the mirror, I thought I saw a ghost because my face had turned as white as a sheet.
No, it's not like I have hematophobia or that I can't take the sight of blood. It had never occurred to me before. Not when I had bad falls, not when jw had bad falls, not even when I gave birth. But then I realised, when it's your own flesh and blood you are talking about, it's totally different.
I feared that she was going to be in trouble.
I feared that she was losing too much blood.
I feared that her hearing would be affected.
I feared that I wasn't able to protect her.
I feared and I feared.
At the same time, jw and I were guilt-ridden. Apparently she had missed her footing and hit the sharp corner of her diaper changing table. Damnit, we honestly could have done something more to protect her, sillystupidfoolishignorantbooboo us. Will someone just stab me, please. If you don't mind, please stab my hubby too.
In the end, thought the bleeding stopped, we decided we should take her to the hospital just to get her ear examined since it was starting to swell and for the professionals to help patch up her wound. As usual, we waited for over 2 hours before doctor could attend to us. All that time, jw and I were feeling dismayed and it was instead Angel who was cheering us up.
Apparently, the wound needed more attention than we expected. The doctor had two choices: to glue it back or to stitch it and she couldn't really make up her mind since the ear was such a delicate and unusual spot. In addition, kids so young (she's only two, you know) don't usually get stitched on, but then again she said the glue might not be as effective in aligning the ear back into its proper shape. *quivers* It somehow also broke my heart to know that there would be a scar on her perfect tiny little ear.
So in the end, my girl took 5 stitches on her ear that night. She was given some medicine through her rectum which was supposed to make her drowsy in less than 30 minutes. Apparently they had underestimated my girl's perseverance and determination because she was still up, talking and kicking after an hour. She also kept laughing because she was amused by how she couldn't even stand straight once the dizziness had set in. She was definitely my brave little one and she had no idea that I was weeping inside knowing I had indirectly put her through this ordeal.
The only part she dreaded was when they injected the anesthetic into her ear. Several times around her wound. I'm pretty sure that hurt a lot. Then she struggled a little during the first stitch but subsequently, she fell asleep peacefully in my arms. When she awoke, she was once again my lively, cheerful, bubbly little girl who was bouncing up and down with joy and saying "Happy New Year" to everyone.
In spite of that, I still can't help it but blame myself even though many friends tell me accidents like this happen all the time. I mean, I have never been stitched in all my 28 years of life, except when I gave birth naturally and a 3kg baby emerged from a 10cm slit. So, having to bear the thought of Angel getting stitches at the mere age of two, I just feel like the worst mom ever.
To be on the bright side, jw said at least it didn't hit her eye or she might have been blinded. Just like how we were lucky enough to have escape unscathed from the car accident. Well, I guess we should stay positive. But I also honestly hope that we can cast off the bad luck after this catastrophic first week of CNY and have a peaceful, happy dragon year ahead.
