Spiderman: Superhero Or Satan-Worshiper?

Forgive me because I’m not sure this can’t even be classified as a real post, and I might end up in a straight jacket rolling around a padded room for preaching my conspiracy theories, but yesterday as I was watching Spiderman shooting creepy webs from his palms and swinging from buildings like a chimpanzee, I couldn’t help but wonder:  Why don’t you ever see Spiderman and Satan in the same place at the same time?  Yeah, open your mind and check the facts. Don’t be a disregarder.

I know you think I’ve lost it, but that’s only because you’ve all been brainwashed into thinking we need Spiderman, like when the government tells you that we need milk for strong bones when really milk just comes from roided-up cows which does a body bad.

Answer me this:  if Spiderman isn’t Satan, or at least a Satan worshiper, then why does he have to make that Devil sign with his fingers every time he shoots his webs?  You don’t see Superman flying around flashing Satan or gang signs while rescuing people.  I’m sure if Spidey punctured some holes in his knuckles he could just as easily shoot webs out of his hands without making Satan gestures. Or if he would just put down his index finger while shooting webs he could be “Hang Loose” Spiderman, and he could be all relaxed and mellowed out while saving the world and drinking Malibu and pineapples. I’m just sayin’, PR-wise, it’d be a smart move for him.

In the meantime, I’m still trying to figure out how it is that we’re all ok with the fact that Peter Parker walks around filled with spider webs all day.  Where does he store all those webs, and how absolutely disgustingly sinister and macabre is that?  If you were ever playing that game Taboo with friends and they were giving clues, and they said, “He’s red…and ummm….his body is filled with spider webs,” the first thing out of your mouth would be “The Devil.”  And you’d be right, no matter what that fucking card said.

All I’m saying is, my exact definition of hell is a giant lair of spiderwebs with spiders crawling all over me.  How is it that a spider man has become our role model? Also, check the outfit.  He hides his face behind a mask with gigantic evil eyes, and wears a suit so provocatively tight that you can’t help but have unclean, sinful, sexual fantasies about him.  Am I right?  Anyone?

Yes, this is all suspicious, subjective stuff, but here’s the clincher:   I first saw Spiderman as a five-year old while watching Electric Company on PBS, and we all know that PBS is secretly Big Brother with its fascist chokehold on America, which means they used their little under-the-radar, “please help us we have no money” sob story network to introduce Satan in the form of a superhero to little kids, brainwashing us and waiting for the perfect opportunity to unleash Spiderman’s sadistic, Hitler reign on all of us.  If I’m lying, why have there been six Spiderman movies released in the past 2 years?  We might well as go ahead and start marching around like wooden soldiers and raising our arms up at a stiff 45 degree angle while chanting “Heil Spiderman,” ’cause it’s over.

Peter Parker, my ass!  The evidence is irrefutable.  That’s the Prince of Darkness if I ever saw one.

Cheers, until the next time.

The RB

P.S.  There is a distinct possibility that Spiderman is really Gene Simmons in disguise and he just enjoys heavy metal rock, which is why he chooses to use a rocker sign while shooting spider webs all over the city. If this is true, I apologize to Satan, PBS and Hitler for the unfair and cruel stereotype I have bestowed upon them.