It took a while to get the tomato stains out of my white dress after I stepped off the platform today. I lied. I had to throw the dress away, even after bleaching it the stains held tight.
I made that dress myself too. Took much pride in the sewing and the lacing. Oh well, you win some you lose some.
I’ll just make another dress, or maybe just go to my next function butt naked, so that when crazy people throw tomatoes at me, I can just tell myself its rejuvenating my skin and making my boobs grow.
Here I am allowing my child to have fun at the beach. Appalling right? I apologize for all the sheltering, dear children. Mommy didn’t mean it.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I was given very sound and responsible advice today that I didn’t ask for, although I’m grateful that I know what I was going wrong in my parenting. Phew! What a weight lifted, after all these years of believing I was the perfect Mother and asking everyone to follow me. I mean, I got a haircut, then everyone else did. I used the toilet, then everyone else did. I started buying toilet paper, then everyone else did. I finally got everyone to start breathing, so that worked. One of my main campaigns was to bring awareness to the fact that there are adopted turtles in this world that have been searching for their biological parents. The sad thing is that they are such slow creatures that by the time they meet that halfway mark of finding their parents, their wi fi doesn’t work on their shell satellite because they are so far into the woods.
How come no one speaks of this tragedy?
Oh that’s right , because women are too busy bashing each other for their choices as Mothers. Luckily for me today I learned a few valuable lessons in how to be a good Mother. Not ” too good” because we don’t want to get up on our high horse, but just good enough to not be arrested.
- Let your children make all decisions on their own. This includes leaving sharp objects, such as knives out so that your children will learn on their own that those things are bad. Once they stab themselves, or a sibling JUST one time, they will NEVER do it again.
- Let them hang out with whoever they want to. This includes porn stars, as they can teach them valuable lessons in sex education. Love, and purity.
- This one is very important, never voice your opinion as a mother. It is not wanted. You only birthed those children out of your vagina, or through a large hole in your stomach, or from adoption. All cases are meaningless. You aren’t to have an opinion.
- Always remember people, if you are protecting your children, you are a psycho. There is no other way around it. Go ahead and commit yourself to the mental ward. I’ll fit right in there with my anti anxiety medication anyway.
- Always let people on the internet give you advice about parenting. ESPECIALLY ones that have a deep love for pornography. Their outlook on life is wholesome and warm and fluffy.
- If you make your child , heaven forbid eat their dinner in silence because they were being disrespectful to you, beware. Your children will turn out to be just like Big foot. Someone on the internet told me that.
- If you at all disagree with someones parenting style, you should post their thoughts on your personal page, then block them from defending themselves. It’s the respectable and responsible thing to do.
- There is no number eight, because I got distracted teaching my two year old about the importance of actually opening the condom wrapper before you try and use it. This happens so often to people, that I thought I would inform her NOW. In case there are questions later.
- Still no number nine because I got lazy and let my kids walk across the street to someones house I’ve never met. I mean, they’ll be back when they have to pee.
If you didn’t catch any sarcasm in the above statements, I will be on my knees for you tonight. Sarcasm is a beautiful part of life that should be enjoyed by all.
Today after being bullied by a bunch of sweet ladies, I learned a lot about sharing your heart, and standing up for what is right. I was called an amazingly lengthy amount of names and to my dismay I was told that I was mentally abusive to my three children.
People, bless you.
Sometimes when you stand up for something you stand alone. UNTIL masses and masses of lovely women come out of the woodwork to defend your character. I cannot say thank you enough to everyone that has sent me an encouraging word, email or text. I wiped a lot of tears today, I laughed, I drove with my windows down and let the wind refresh my spirit. I hugged and laughed with my children today. You know , those three that have free spirits. I love them all.
For the first time today I was thankful Jude is in heaven. He doesn’t have to EVER experience being ridiculed and treated unfairly. Isn’t that a thing to celebrate? My son is in the most perfect place.
Tonight I envy his freedom. Tonight I will rest my head knowing that I am capable of loving people that hate me. The Jesus inside me knows exactly how it feels to be ridiculed, far worse than I have experienced. I’m thankful.
I’ve never claimed to be anything close to perfect. That’s the beauty of it all. We have faults that we get to work on. Otherwise life would get boring.
