Sometimes I Wish...

Sometimes I wish things were different.
I wish that I'd never experience such intense trauma, betrayal & heartache.
I wish that I wasn't such an introvert & didn't feel things to the very depths of my soul. That I couldn't experience people's pain as my own & that I could compartmentalize my life so that emotion didn't weigh me down so much. And when I say emotion, I mean ALL emotion.
I often wonder what my life would look like if I'd never been raped, if I'd never been exposed to pornography, or experienced sex addiction. Would things be any different? Would I have had the self-control and the God-given intention to wait for my husband? Only God knows.
I consider where my journey would have led me if I didn't constantly feel convicted and compelled to tell my story so that other people hear that they are not alone. Because, seriously, telling my story sucks. It brings about such fierce spiritual warfare and it's exhausting. What would life be like without constant attacks from Satan?
I ponder what may have been if I were able to accept people's affirmations of me, instead of shying away from them or brushing them off as if they didn't matter. Would I be more confident and more secure in who I am?
I think about these things a lot. The things that make up the core of me, the things that define who I am.
And I wish them away, because maybe then things would be easier. Maybe then I could breeze through life like one of those people who just doesn't give a hoot. Who cares about no one, sees no one, loves no one.
Maybe then I could walk down the street and not feel compelled to give away all that I have so that children across the globe have food to eat and a comfy place to lay down their heads at night.
Maybe then I could get through a week without bursting into tears at the realization of how broken our world is and how many walking wounded there truly are out there.
Maybe then I could cut people out of my life more easily. People I ache for, that I care for beyond all comprehension who probably don't have any clue how often I pray for them or think of them, or how much I love them.
Maybe then I could keep my mouth shut and let people fend for themselves.
But the fact of the matter is, that is not me.
That is not who God created me to be. And even though at times i wish it away. I know that moving through life without any attachments or any feeling would not be living. I know that silence and lack of conviction would draw me further into isolation, into a place without community or identity.
No. Easier is not better. Because if life were easy, I would have never experienced God's power and movement in my life. I would have never SEEN Him fight for me day in and day out so that I can get even a glimpse of His goodness. I would have never known the feeling of being released, of being free. And I would have never learned about grace and how important it is to living a life for Christ.
Walking in obedience is hard. Walking in faith is hard. Walking against the grain, in contrast to the ways of the world is hard. But it is worth it. Not in the end, it is worth it today. Because I get to experience God in all His glory, in all His mercy, and in all His love. And there's nothing better then that. NOTHING.